Collingwood's sock - en route to Perth

Under his exclusive deal with Fantasy Bob Paul Collingwood's sock has reported from the England camp  on the aftermath to England's crushing innings-plus victory at Adelaide.   England are confident going into the third test. 'Our main issue is who is going to replace Broady.  This is a big worry - there's a big tub of hair gel to be used up.'

England's 3 second string seamers had a try out against Victoria but none really seized the chance on a lifeless wicket.  Indeed so unthreatening were they that Andrew Strauss had to come on and show them how it's done. Unlike them he took a wicket.  The sock had the inside track, 'Could be Strauss backs himself as the replacement.'

The less well informed FB goes for Tremlett as the most likely on grounds of bounce.

But if the match at Melbourne lacked any kind of fizz, there was lots happening away from the field of play. Kevin Pietersen got fined for speeding.  First reports that this was for his acceleration from 150 to 200 during his mammoth Adelaide innings were wrong.  The fine came after he drove a Lamborghini at 121 kilometres (75 miles) per hour in a 100kph (62 mph) zone along Melbourne's Great Ocean Road.  Remarkably he was tweeting about the views at the time - slow down, Kevin and you might actually see them.

Ian Chappell denies there was a scuffle between him and Sir Ian Botham in the car-park at the Adelaide Oval.   Apparently the pair have previous going back to 1977 when uncapped Botham, playing club cricket in Australia, ended up in the same bar as Chappell. The fiercely patriotic Botham objected to the Pommie-bashing comments of passionate republican Chappell, who had recently retired. According to Botham's version of events, he landed a punch on Chappell and chased him out of the bar hurdling a car bonnet in the pursuit.  The Chappell version is not much more edifying.  He says that Botham had goaded him, in what could only be described as Australian language, about not wanting to tour England that year before pushing him off his chair. Chappell says he then walked calmly out pursued by the ranting Botham.  Who knows?  Since then the pair, despite working together for Channel 9 during the 1998-99 Ashes tour, have only traded insults.   So no different from many working relationships in offices the length and breadth of the country.

And then Shane Warne, despite  - or maybe because of - the campaign to reinstate him in the Aussie Test team legs it off to London for a secret love tryst with Liz Hurley.   FB feels slightly nauseous having to report this and apologises if his readers similarly feel queasy.  But FB supposes this means that there is no way Warney can play cricket again - the sledging would be too much even for such a thick skinned artist as Warne.  Warne will be collecting fashion diet and hair care tips to pass on to the Australian dressing room.  'Because they're worth it...............'

Australian papers have been struggling to find much to write about on the surprise call up of Michael Beer - known in cricket circles as who? They suggest he should not worry too much if he has a poor debut as he will not be the first Australian to struggle in their first Test match. Sir Don Bradman, scored 18 and one in his first two innings. Shane Warne was smacked all round the Sydney Cricket Ground by India as he recorded figures of 1-150.  Even slower a starter was Steve Waugh, who made his debut in 1985, had one score above 13 in his first 11 Test innings and took 27 Tests to score his first century..........and eR.........he went on to score 32 hundreds and average 51.06.  Tell that to Beer's predecessor X Doherty. 

On the other side of this discussion is the eerie fact that the last slow bowler to be called up to Australian colours after 5 first class matches is now entwining himself with Ms Hurley.

England's 'Barmy Army' are to unveil a new song about Australia's Ricky Ponting at the third Ashes Test in Perth this week. The song is a re-working of the Oasis classic Don't Look Back in Anger. Here's the first line: "Slip inside Ricky Ponting's mind, he's trying to find, some new players to play."  Not even FB could stoop so low.  He does not think that songs should be allowed at cricket grounds, but if they are he would prefer that a song with a tune was chosen.

There is serious speculation among the pundits as to what Ponting will do if he wins the toss.  The last time he inserted the opposition was at Edgbaston in 2005.  Ouch. The Perth groundsman says he is aiming for grass cover on the wicket and observes that 4th innings scores have been high in recent matches at WACA.  But as Adelaide showed, not every game gets to the fourth innings.  Just remember, England have only won once at the WACA in 11 attempts.

Is that a googly in your pocket?