Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The 12 days of cricket

Like any other keen cricketer, every Christmas Fantasy Bob is beside himself with excitement wondering what gifts his true love will generously bestow on him. The latest from the Gray Nichols catalogue, a coaching manual on the art of in-swing bowling, DVDs of great Test players?  There are so many possibilities.

A few years ago however FB's true love may not have been in full sympathy with his love of cricket.  As ever FB politely and faithfully thanked his true love for her generosity. 

Here are his thankyou letters.

A partridge in a pear tree

Dearest True Love,

How lovely and what a wonderful gift.  I will plant the pear tree by the cricket club pavilion and in years to come while waiting to bat, I will sit in its cool shade and be reminded of  you.  I am talking to our doughty groundsman about the possible uses of the partridge as part of our environmentally sustainable approach to ground management.  Nothing has come up yet, but it’s early days.

Love you always


2 Turtle Doves

Dearest True Love,

Thankyou so much for the lovely birds.  Maybe you misheard my voicemail – I’m sure I said 2 batting gloves.  But these little birds are very sweet and last season’s gloves will do another year.  I am talking with our doughty groundsman to see if there is room for the doves in the tractor shed alongside the partridge.

Love you always


3 French Hens

Dearest True Love,

This is a very special present and as always I am touched by your thoughtfulness.  The French are not noted for their interest in cricket but I am sure that these birds will prove the exception.  I am having to buy large drinks for our doughty groundsman but am confident that he will eventually find a place for the hens in the tractor shed.  But we are getting tight for space in there, so if you could take this into account I would love you all the more.

Thinking of you tonight

4 Calling Birds

Dearest True Love

Please don’t think that I don’t appreciate these little charmers, but I wonder if you could have a rethink on the birds theme.  Our doughty groundsman has told me that the French hens have eaten all his grass seed, and the turtle doves have crapped in his kettle and the partridge tries to mate with the scarifier.  Our doughty groundsman is developing an allergy to feathers.  He is greatly concerned that another four birds in the tractor shed could make things unmanageable.



5 Gold Rings

Dearest True Love

Now that’s more like it.  Thanks so much for not being offended by yesterday’s not so subtle hint. 

Love and more


6 Geese A Laying

Now listen,

Back on the birds! I know I told you that egg mayonnaise was the team’s favourite sandwich at tea but this number of eggs might just be a bit too many.  We need to talk.  I will ring you tonight.

7 Maids a milking
You are joking aren’t you?

I am very grateful that you seem to have given up the birds, and I know I kept saying last year how the skipper never remembered to bring the milk for the tea, but don’t you think this is a bit of an over correction?  Our doughty groundsman is finding things increasingly difficult and one of the geese has already perished under the heavy roller.

Please answer the phone when I ring


8 Swans A Swimming
For Goodness Sake!

What the **** is it with you  and birds?  Our doughty groundsman is now well in the huff since he thinks this is some kind of comment on his inability to drain the area down at fine leg following the rain last June.  Please be a little more considerate.


9 Ladies Dancing

You can’t be serious

Alright, it was very clever of you to remember the cheerleaders from when we watched the T20 together, but East League games don’t quite run to gyrating popsies yet. We are getting a bit cramped but our doughty groundsman has a smile on his face and has suddenly found room for them in his tractor shed.  But I don’t know where all the birds are going to go.  He says that’s my ******* problem.


10 Lords a Leaping

Listen cloth ears,

I said Tickets for Lords would get me jumping.  I see no use for these old bufties in the club.  Our doughty groundsman tried to get them to pull the light roller but they just kept hopping about in their ermine gowns.  Completely useless.


11 Pipers piping.

Dear Ms True Love,

I am instructed by our client Mr Fantasy Bob to advise you that his cricket club has now received notice from the Council listing at length the neighbours’ complaints about the incessant bagpiping coming from the ground.  Our client says that 11 pipers piping goes beyond his initial request to you for a nice bit of quiet Scottish music to put on his iPod.  The neighbours say that the piping might not be so bad but when it is combined with the noise of what appears to be a menagerie located somewhere near the tractor shed they lose the will to live.  The neighbours are also objecting to the application for the 9 Ladies lap dancing licence.   Closure of the club is a distinct possibility.  Our client is at present visiting the doughty groundsman in his place of temporary refuge in the City’s mental hospital. I must ask you to refrain from additional gifts until further notice.

Yours faithfully

I L Suem, WS


12 Drummos Drummo-ing

Drummo drummo-ing

 Drummo drummo-ing

My dearest dearest True Love

The best present the cricket club could ever have.  How did you guess – it is just what we always wanted.

Love you more than ever, please come back to me


FB is happy to acknowledge that this is a variation on an idea originating elsewhere - he hopes its interpretation in a cricketing context causes some enjoyment.


  1. You have surpassed even yourself ! Merry Christmas and in 2013 may you bowl many maidens over and hit sixes right,left and centre .:-)