Security Blanket

Carlton's highly trained security personnel
search for the President's wallet

Fantasy Bob has learned how security chiefs at Carlton the go-ahead Edinburgh cricket club have reacted to plans by the Olympic authorities to protect next year's London Olympics from terrorist attack.

FB understands that the club's risk assessment has identified that the deployment of the entire British Army, Navy and Air Force in combination with NATO, the FBI, the CIA and Jack Bauer to protect the London sites has heightened the risk elsewhere, particularly at Carlton's Carlton's world HQ at Grange Loan.

'With a galaxy of international stars playing under the iconic freedom fighter FB and our pavilion bursting with silverware following our championship season in 2011, it is clear Carlton will be a prominent target.  We must therefore be prepared for every eventuality. We are now on RED ALERT,' the club's security supremo told FB in his special coloured voice.

Planning is at an advanced stage and among the top secret measures are

• Instructions have been given to Carlton's doughty (but nameless) groundsman to dig tank traps at strategic locations around the boundary.  He is also armour plating the heavy roller and scarifier against rocket attack;

• Snipers (disguised as long limbed ladies langorously sunbathing in shorts) will be deployed at secret locations on the hill;

• Following agreement with the local sea scout platoon, naval vessels will patrol the ground ready to intercept any sea or puddle borne threats.   Airfix kits have been issued and are being assembled;

• Helicopters will monitor all traffic movements and will alert Carlton's executive team of the whereabouts of traffic wardens at all times;

• A consignment of surface to air missiles has been ordered from e-Bay and will be deployed at strategic locations.  Extra supplies of matches are being stockpiled in case the blue touchpaper gets damp;

• All biscuits brought for tea will be individually inspected by Fantasy Bob for signs of tampering. Where safety considerations deem it necessary he will consume them on site.

'Just like FB's Fourth XI, we are taking no chances,' the security supremo concluded. 'To cap all this, we have a highly potent and top secret deterrent.  Junior members will approach anyone in Grange Loan asking for a donation to the nets fund.  That has always kept people away in the past.'