The following bulletin has been issued by the Chief Medical Officer:
‘Mr Fraggle Watts, ever popular captain of go ahead Edinburgh cricket club Carlton, and star Scotland opening bat, is recovering well from cosmetic surgery.
Mr Watts first consulted surgeons a number of months ago when he grew concerned about the state of his hip. He was seriously worried that he just wasn’t hip enough.
'Mr Watts had tried the full range of natural remedies – a series of SuperDry polo shirts, extremely colourful trousers, expensive haircuts, super strength Lynx. Nothing worked. His I-Pod showed the aggressive nature of the condition - there was a range of tracks by Celine Dion, Sydney Devine and Susan Boyle. We caught the malignant unhipness just in time. We had no alternative but to operate immediately. A highly skilled team of surgeons operated on his hip glands to remove a bit of bone and cartilage.'
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| Unsuccessful trouser therapy |
Mr Watts first consulted surgeons a number of months ago when he grew concerned about the state of his hip. He was seriously worried that he just wasn’t hip enough.
'Mr Watts had tried the full range of natural remedies – a series of SuperDry polo shirts, extremely colourful trousers, expensive haircuts, super strength Lynx. Nothing worked. His I-Pod showed the aggressive nature of the condition - there was a range of tracks by Celine Dion, Sydney Devine and Susan Boyle. We caught the malignant unhipness just in time. We had no alternative but to operate immediately. A highly skilled team of surgeons operated on his hip glands to remove a bit of bone and cartilage.'
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| Hip talk |
Leading hip surgeon Sir Doctor Professor Hippocrates said ‘Yoh, man, I’s lettin’ y'all know dat Mr Fraggle gonna be the hippest dude in the whole universe from this mo’m on. Hey – he’s even hipper than dat Fantasy Bob dude. And we’ve given him the coolest pair of crutches dat any cat’s ever had. Nice! Now gimme some skin man.............’
Mr Watts’ condition is described as prone. He should be off the crutches for the start of the clubbing season. Fantasy Bob wishes him the speediest of speedy recoveries.
Meanwhile, the World Health Organisation is dispatching a team of crack epidemiologists to Carlton’s Grange Loan HQ to examine the outbreak of hip gland conditions at the club. Doughty groundsman Magnus Moon was the first to succumb. He is now bionic, skipping behind the scarifier like a new born lamb following hip gland replacement therapy before Christmas. Fraggle's condition may not be coincidental. Club valetudinarian Fantasy Bob is now reporting that he feels a little stiff in the morning. WHO Doctor (eh?) told Fantasy Bob 'This outbreak could be the start of a world wide epidemic. It could be worse than bird flu. We need to understand whether it is something to do with Carlton's legendary hill or is there something in the water? But there is no need for people to panic - until they hear further from us.'
Fantasy Bob's legendary information systems have let him down on this occasion; and the epidemic is more widespread than he believes. There are at least 4 other people seen round the Club who have had hip surgery.
ReplyDeleteIain as ever your encyclopaedic knowledge of Grange Loan is hugely valuable. FB has passed these observations on to Doctor Who will be in touch.
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