Sunday, 23 January 2011

Venus Fly Trap

Straining everything - including credibility
Fantasy Bob is sorry that it has come to this.  You might have thought that it would be appropriate to post further with some considered analysis of the second ODI between Australia and England.  You might have thought that there is something important happening in the world of biscuits (a subject which FB has ignored for too long).  You might have thought FB would have more taste and good sense.  But FB cannot resist turning his attention to one of his least favourite sports - tennis.

He hears with complete indifference masquerading as disappointment that Venus Williams has withdrawn from the Australian Open.  She has strained her groin. Eh?  FB was sure that the world supply of strainable groins was exclusively allocated to footballers - he was not even aware that the groin was part of the female anatomy.  But he accepts that Venus is something special - she has muscles in places most people don't even have places.

Such is the circus that is women's tennis that the main source of commentary during the continuing Australian Open is Venus Williams' dress sense - or nonsense.  Her groin is not the only thing Venus has strained this week - decorum and decency have also been under threat.

This week she has drawn astonished gasps, according to the breathless reports from FB's fashion correspondent, first for a very short blue dress - called the illusion dress - and then for a lattice based number she claims to have been inspired by Alice in Wonderland.  She combines these outfits with flesh coloured pants which don't seem to cover her but cover the unsuspecting viewer in embarrasment.  If Venus had any opponents worth their salt she might have to wear proper clothes.  Particularly elasticated stockings to support that nagging groin strain.  But that's women's tennis for you.

Venus is clearly the Lady Gaga of the court - a meat based tennis dress is only a step away.  It's a topsy turvy world - FB understands that celebrated porn star Jemma Jameson will shortly present her new range of sporting wear - a modest white aertex shirt and white mid-thigh cullottes.

That is tennis - so far cricket has escaped the fashionistas.  But in this rough and tumble commercial world that is professional sport can similar developments be far behind?  If the golf world can provide the launch pad for Ian Poulter's range of completely ridiculous trousers, cricket has to follow. 

Watch in the better stores soon for
Ego - KP's range of fashion cricket wear - designed for the man who thinks he has everything.
Le Hooquer -  the Alistair Cook lingerie collection - specially luxurious for that long sweat free innnings.
The Collys - a range of designer socks by Paul Collingwood that will help your feet make the most of their limited talent as feet.
FB suspects this might not be as nonsensical as it appears to be. Somewhere, some marketing guru is working hard on the concept - but you heard it first from Fantasy Bob. FB claims copyright and looks forward to the royalties rolling in when the ranges hit the shops.

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