Long experience has taught him that the optimum distance between him and a bagpiper is 200 yards. They are fine when parading about on the field at Murrayfield when FB is safely coccooned at the back of the stand. Any closer and FB shows signs of distress. His ears bleed, his skin turns white. For the bagpipe is truly the least musical instrument ever to proclaim itself as a musical instrument. Had the Trades Description Act existed when it was invented it would never have got away with it. No Scottish baby was ever lulled to sleep by a sweet bagpipe lullaby and there is a reason that sonatas for bagpipe do not feature in the oeuvre of Beethoven or Mozart.
|Pipers steak, |
mushroom and thyme pie
Instead of all that caterwauling, FB hopes that his True Love's gift is inspired by the piping hot Pipers Pies that have been recently available at Lords - although whether he can manage 11 is another matter. But he is willing to try.