Wednesday, 4 January 2012

The Eleventh Day of Christmas

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me eleven pipers piping.

Readers might think as a Scottish person,that there could be nothing more pleasing to Fantasy Bob than the sound of eleven pipers piping and that he would respond enthusiastically to his true love's latest gift.  But FB has to confess of all the presents sent by true love this is the one that he most hopes would be accompanied by the receipt so he could exchange it.

Long experience has taught him that the optimum distance between him and a bagpiper is 200 yards.  They are fine when parading about on the field at Murrayfield when FB is safely coccooned at the back of the stand.  Any closer and FB shows signs of distress. His ears bleed, his skin turns white.  For the bagpipe is truly the least musical instrument ever to proclaim itself as a musical instrument.  Had the Trades Description Act existed when it was invented it would never have got away with it.  No Scottish baby was ever lulled to sleep by a sweet bagpipe lullaby and there is a reason that sonatas for bagpipe do not feature in the oeuvre of Beethoven or Mozart.

Pipers steak,
mushroom and thyme pie
FB recognises that these are heretical thoughts and he betrays his heritage.  He accepts he may have to leave Scotland and seek asylum somewhere bagpipe free.

Instead of all that caterwauling, FB hopes that his True Love's gift is inspired by the piping hot Pipers Pies that have been recently available at Lords - although whether he can manage 11 is another matter.  But he is willing to try.

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