Friday, 8 July 2011

Tea in the Park

What d'you mean you didn't bring
the kettle?
This weekend several thousand people, mostly of the young species, will assemble in a muddy field within shouting distance of Kinross CC to take tea in the park.  For Fantasy Bob tea anywhere is an excellent concept.  He has remarked many times that cricket without tea is not cricket at all.  So you might think that all in all he would approve of tea in the park - a nice cup of darjeeling perhaps, a dainty cucumber sandwich, a strawberry tart, maybe even a sliver of chocolate cake.  It sounds too good to be true.

However Fantasy Bob warns cricketers that this event is not what is seems.  For tea in the park is without tea.  Instead there is a continual caterwauling from various ensembles who are apparently paid large sums of money to disturb the summer teatime tranquility.  This year ensembles such as the Arctic Fighters and the Foo Monkeys will be consoling the tea deprived audience. FB has no idea who these people are or what their bowling actions are.  Someone called Eliza Doolittle will also perform, presumably selections from My Fair Lady and Blondie CC will strike a blow for senior cricketers everywhere under their indomitable skipper Debbie Harry who is now 65* - Sunday Girl indeed. 

Beyonce - a sweater may be needed
But FB understands that the leading batsman this year is one Beyonce Knowles.   Knowles is not a celebrated name in cricket, but it is mysterious.  A professional player called Knowles turned out a number of times for Middlesex in the 1790s.  Apparently he went under the alias of White - presumably for sound commercial gambling related reasons.  But Middlesex had 2 other players called White at that time.  The scorebooks do not make clear which White is which (even in the 1790s when the juniors were left in charge of the book things went wrong) so the Knowles' cricket legacy is uncertain.  It is doubtful whether there is any relationship between Middlesex's Knowles and Beyonce who has never knowingly gone under the name of White for cricketing - or other - purposes. 

FB is concerned that Ms Knowles does not realise the danger she is in.   She is heading to Kinross comfortable in the thought that tea will be readily available.  She needs to be told that this is not so.  She could of course bring a flask.  As an alternative FB suggests that she consult Kinross CC's fixture list and checks what time tea is likely to be - she might be made very welcome should she care to join the players.  She should make sure to take some sandwiches though.

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