Monday, 20 September 2010

What all these Australians are for

Fantasy Bob was struck on his fleeting visit to the Carlton 6 a side tournament the other weekend by the fact that the Carlton over 25s team was composed of 4 Australians and 2 persons of English type origins.  Such is the strength in depth of Scottish cricket. 

But this got FB thinking - an unusual event in itself, and always a prelude to danger.  Could Carlton field an all Australian XI?  Never mind about why they would want to do such a thing, the minds of selectors are regularly overcome by such fanciful notions masquerading as strategic thinking or player focussed development. 

Could such an XI be raised?  Meticulous research in genealogy sites has come up with the answer.......... yes - but only if all the Fitch-Rabbits were selected ie Tobyn, Mum and Dad.  It would be a match for any side in the area.

But it demonstrates that the Australian population in Edinburgh is reaching worrying levels.  And yet there is not an exclusively Australian cricket team?  As a species they are not usually shy, retiring or modest.  Fantasy Bob has long found this suspicious.  At last, through careful decoding of seemingly innocent internet traffic Fantasy Bob has discovered the reason - it links to a highly secret strategy central to Australian foreign and defence policy.  (One is tempted to use the word dastardly but that went out of the English language with the death of Biggles author (Capt W E Johns).)

Under the Ponting ( Retribution on the Poms for Ashes Humiliation) Law which was passed in secret 2 years ago, highly trained Oz agents have been infiltrated into unsuspecting host clubs across the UK masquerading as travellers, students even overseas amateurs.  These are mere disguises.  Our dinkum mates are sleepers  lying in wait. 

At a predetermined signal - most probably timed to coincide with Alistair Cook's first lbw for 0 in the coming Ashes series - they will rise, the mask of friendship and good humour will drop and they will taunt their new found and trusting team mates mercilessly for the next 3 months with cries of 'What's it like to be such s****?' and similar witty rejoinders.  The collapse of home morale will be total. This prospect is appalling, the Blitz or the winter of discontent of the 1970's will seem a holiday compared to what is to come. 
Now the plot is rumbled you will realise the refurbishment of Trident has been deemed necessary.  Its missiles could be crucial in getting Ponting away from the crease, because our attack seems more suited for English conditions than those in Oz.

But we must take more urgent measures - your country needs you.  Careless talk costs wickets.  Nothing short of full mobilisation can avert disaster. 

Write to the Queen and plead with her to intervene so that Alistair Cook is allowed to return to writing Letter from America - and not wreck our nerves by looking good for 2 overs before shuffling across the crease.  Repair Vaughan's knees.  Repair Flintoff's knees.  Repair Onions' knees.  (Can we get a reduction for buying in bulk there?).  Give KP a slap, take his Twitter away and get him focussed.  Whistle down a mine and see if a Larwood comes up............. Anything.   We are running out of time.

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