Critics have said that it is outrageous the manner in which Carlton match reports have from time to time suggested that star wizard leg spinner Haris Aslam might be partial to the occasional biscuit. Fantasy Bob would like to apologise on this site on behalf of the author of those scandalous reports for any offence caused to Haris. But if biscuits are not so important in Haris' life, they are certainly central to FB's. He spends many hours in search of them and musing on their qualities.
What if biscuits played cricket? Ah, I hear you say, at last a serious subject, something to challenge the grey matter. What would the all time great biscuits XI look like? Fantasy Bob has combed the archives statistics and biscuit tins and made many agonising decisions to come up with the following which he is confident could hold its own against any team in any conditions. In batting order:
1 Jacob's Cream Cracker - dry as dust - Sir Geoffrey! - a real Boycott of a biscuit
2 Club Chocolate - chunky and solid - the Graeme Gooch of any side
3 Blue Riband - a biscuit with style and exceptional leadership qualities - Michael Vaughan in every respect
4 Fox's Gipsy Cream - smooth and sophisticated - a ringer for David Gower
5 Custard Cream - the Paul Collingwood of biscuits - hard working, unspectacular but reliable
6 Digestive - the all rounder - can go with cheese or sweet - Ian Botham to a T
7 Jammie Dodger - sticky and flexible - must have been created in Alan Knott's honour
8 Garibaldi - a little exotic, a bit fruity - a king of spin - Jim Laker in fact
9 Rich Tea - the unsung hero - will put in the hard overs - a biscuit modelled on Mathew Hoggard
10 Hobnob - will get that extra bounce out of any cup of tea - Steve Harmison on a good day
11 Ginger Nut - the perfect opening bowler - fiery and hard - Fred Trueman as ever was
PS - Jaffa Cake although undoubtedly a talented cricketer in the Ted Dexter mould could not be selected since it does not have a residential qualification as a biscuit.
Selection is exclusively on merit as a biscuit - comparisons are with the greats of English cricket. These are British biscuits after all - it would be an insult to their heritage to compare them with Australians
Re your all-time-biscuit XI. What a lot of utter drivel.
ReplyDeleteHow can you justify having a cream-cracker at the top of the order? Despite its solid appearance, this biscuit has an over developed sense of its own importance and a long history of temperamental behaviour - such as regularly storming off in a cream-puff (apologies for mixing my metaphors and my pastries).
For me, you have to open with a water biscuit. A solid choice, utterly without pretentiousness and 100% dependable. A complete Chris Tavare of a biscuit.
Dear Groupie - I recognise that there are cream crackers are controversial in many quarters - and are rarely selected in the Randall household - but I don't think you can argue with over 100 first class tons. By comparison Chris Tavare has few biscuit like qualities that I am aware of. His claim to a place in the Insomnia Cures Greatest XI is undisputed.
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