Friday, 20 May 2011

The torch

Come on baby, light my fire
FB has noted previously his disappointment that cricket does not feature as part of the 2012 Olympic Games.  He has therefore paid little attention to all the Olympic style synchronised reporting that has been going on. 

But yesterday he was stirred out of his apathy by the announcement of the tour of the Olympic torch through Britain.  During a 70 day journey the torch will pass within 1 mile of 95% of the population of the UK, however hard they try to escape that fate, in an itinerary that includes visits to a number of Scottish cities and islands.  

The organisers are looking for 8000 inspirational people to carry the torch and invite nominations.   FB is sure that many of his 3 readers will rush to nominate him as a potential carrier.  However FB is concerned that his considerable claim to this honour will be overlooked by the selection committee,  ignorant as it evidently is of cricket.  FB is also concerned that the intention to ensure that at least half these carriers have to be between 12 and 24 is a further circumstance not wholly in his favour.

In order to maximise his chances of getting his just reward, FB therefore invites those nominating him to use the following text

Dear Sebastian Coe

We the undersigned wish to nominate the inspirational Fantasy Bob to be a torch carrier. 

Fantsy Bob's inspirational torch carrying skills are second to none.  There is an excessively long list of females, starting with Aileen Wright at Ashley Road Primary School whose torch he has carried.  Unfortunately a series of superinjunctions means that other names on this long list cannot identified by us.  It is therefore for you to judge whether Valerie Singleton, Diana Rigg, Felicity Kendall, Jane Fonda, Clodagh Rodgers, Julie Driscoll, Julie Christie, Jane Birkin, Catherine Deneuve, Sophia Loren,  Fanny Ardant,  Renee Fleming,  Nathalie Baye,  and many others will be able to endorse our nomination.  In addition, we are unable to comment on the current speculation that Ms Poonam Pandey, in her capacity as principal motivator of Indian cricket, is the most recent additional to this long series.   But when you get FB you get a torch carrier of long experience.

You should also note that when FB was in the Boys Brigade he always had an extra Duracell in his pocket just in case his torch went out.

Finally we note your intention that half of your carriers are to be juniors.  Fantasy Bob has long experience of marshalling juniors in the Carlton 4th XI and as yet none of them has caught on fire.
According to legend, the Greek philosopher Diogenes of Sinope (412-322 B.C.) spent considerable time wandering around the countryside in broad daylight bearing a torch looking for an honest man.  What a loony.  Compared to him FB is completely sensible and uses his torch only after dark.
We think he is an outstanding candidate for this honour.


  1. It would be a pleasure to aid FB's candidature and Lord Coe will be receiving my submission shortly. I also have contacts with a Liberal Democrat peer who might be able to help with the superinjunction problem.

  2. Many thanks - FB is now confident of success.