Saturday, 14 May 2011

Fancy Footwear

Jury's idea of a football boot
The world of Scottish cricket is in uproar.  A celebrity player, known also for his newspaper columns and the brio of his after dinner monologues, has been criticised for wearing football boots when wicket keeping last weekend.  In his defence he said that they were not football boots as the term would be understood by a jury but light slipper type things with short blades. 

The club whose grass suffered the torment of this footwear are unimpressed and have complained with some vigour to CricketScotland - what will they do?  Should a club have the right to object to footwear which they consider to be injurious to their playing surface?  After all clubs generally request trainers or flat soles when matches are played on artificial wickets.  Why should a similar request not be appropriate for grass wickets?  What view will CS reach?

Fantasy Bob understands that go ahead Edinburgh club Carlton's administrators have decided that this issue is to urgent to wait on the views of the governing body and have drafted some guidance for visiting players to Grange Loan as to the footwear that is appropriate.  FB has seen a leaked draft and shares it with his readers now:

Carlton Cricket Club respectfully requests visiting sides to subject their proposed footwear to the inspection of our doughty groundsman prior to entering the field of play.  Our doughty groundsman's view on whether the footwear is appropriate is final.  To assist travelling teams, our doughty groundsman has issued the following guidelines.

Not joke footwear
Inappopriate footwear
  • any football boot of any shape form or colour but most particularly any model endorsed by Wayne Rooney or John Terry;
  • crampons - and our doughty groundsman does not consider the suggestion that they are necessary to field on Carlton's legendary hill the slightest bit funny and any player uttering it will be asked to play barefoot;
  • ski boots, stilts, tap dancing shoes or crocodile skin loafers are rarely likely to be appropriate footwear. 
Appropriate footwear
    Opening batsman's boots
  • cricket boots or shoes - other than those orange and blue things that every second player in the IPL seems to have on his feet;
  • training shoes of all sorts, other than those naff retro Adidas ones;
  • astros (whatever they are);
  • comfortable slippers - particularly recomended for the more mature members of the Fourth XI;
  • stilettos may be worn under direct supervision of our doughty groundsman when the pitch is in need of scarifying - other than in the case of Ms Poonam Pandey who may wear - or not wear - anything she likes at any time;
  • ballet shoes may be worn by the prima donnas in the side such as opening batsmen.

The Poonam Pandey scarifier

Players will also wish to note that our doughty groundsman has a supply of clown's shoes which he will make available to players in the light of the characteristics of their dismissal.

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