Sunday, 27 March 2011

The Census

27 March is a busy day for Fantasy Bob, he has to complete the census form.  He has a legal duty to do so and if he doesn't or supplies false information he may be fined up to £1000.  That's a lot of biscuits to put at risk.

Census report from 2001
The census is a 10 yearly survey and is essential to Government for planning services.  It is essential to know how many Jedi knights there are in the UK.  At the last census there were 390,000 but there are fears that the species may be in decline.

There are all manner of questions about FB's ability to speak and understand English Gaelic and Scots.  There are questions about his religion, his disabilities, his marital status, the number of rooms in his house, his working pattern and racial origin. 

All very fine and proper, but FB turned over the pages with mounting anxiety and came to the final page 28 with the crushing realisation that  that there has been a major oversight on the part of the authorities - there are no cricket questions.  How this can have been overlooked is beyond him, he fears MPs may have been too busy claiming or unclaiming their expenses to notice the factors that are vital to the nation's destiny.

In a last minute and probably futile effort to repair the damage, FB therefore presents his own cricket census.   Questions may be answered in English Scots or Gaelic.  Jedi languages are not accepted.

Readers should print and submit with their census form to the appropriate authorities with this covering note - Please find enclosed answers to essential supplementary questions as requested by Fantasy Bob:

1.    Does any member of your household possess a cricket bat?

Yes                  No

If you answered yes to Q 1 go to Question 2
If you answered no to Q1 all public services are hereby withdrawn from all persons at your address.

2.    Is your cricket bat

A Gray Nicolls Nitro            Some other piece of driftwood

3.    Can you play leg spin bowling?

 Yes                 No                   Only with my eyes shut

4.    Have you a car large enough to take 5 juniors to an away match?

Yes                  No                   Only if you put 3 of them in the boot.

5.    Which of these qualifications do you have?

Can apply the LBW law perfectly in all circumstances and in all lights.

Can apply the LBW law on the basis that every third appeal is probably out

Use the LBW law as an opportunity for personal revenge

Consider that you are above the LBW law

Think the LBW law was replaced following metrication and decimalisation.

6.     Last week were you

In trouble from the start on a slow turner

Well in control until triggered by a deaf blind incompetent team mate

Struggling to get your feet moving until you creamed a half volley through the covers

Left stranded on 49 as your team mate heaved across the line

 Many thanks for your cooperation.


  1. Speaking of Jedis, I wonder if FB has any views on the possibilities of using reverse swing on the Dark Side? I believe Darth Vader tried a few over of it in The Empire Strikes Back, with limited success.

  2. Wisden is sadly silent on that series although FB understands that Vader was banned following allegations of ball tampering.

  3. Indeed, as FB will remember, the ball-tampering affair was well documented in the little-known final episode of the Star Wars canon, The Umpire Strikes Back.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Further to this topic, ball tampering is of course a serious offence, incurring severe penalties if proven. FB has previously alluded to the Libya v. Rest of the World series, currently under way, and this provides a fitting example of how a Home Captain can resort to illegal methods to gain unfair advantage on a slow, dry pitch.

  6. Thankyou Silly Point - regretably there are too many other skippers intent on following the Libyan ball tamperer's example.