Friday, 14 December 2012


About to be replaced by Fantasy Bob
Fantasy Bob had never watched MasterChef in any form before.  But he followed most of the series MasterChef - the Professionals which finished last night in a draw between 2 contestants.  Or was it a tie? He is glad to note the show's affinity with cricket - hours of play ending in no result.

And that is an appropriate analogy for MasterChef isn't really about cooking.  It is a sporting event pure and simple.

Why did FB watch the show?  Was he looking for a few tips to refresh the cricketers' tea table next season?   If so, he will have been sadly disappointed, for at no time was a challenge laid down to the aspiring chefs to prepare a balance of sandwiches and cakes.  This is shocking - instead there was all kind of fancy vacuum-sealing, steam-bathing, plate-smearing, confiting, sea bass cooked 5 ways, and lots of other showy-off stuff.  None of the chefs realised that there are times when all a cricketer wants after an afternoon in the field just a plain egg sandwich.

FB notes that there are many different MasterChefs - there is a Celebrity  MasterChef, Junior MasterChef, MasterChef Australia, MasterChef India,  MasterChef this that and most likely the other.  He is therefore developing a new concept for a show with the working title MasterChef Cricket.  It is the search for the ultimate provider of the cricket tea.

The critically important factor about MasterChef Cricket is that FB will be the judge.  While he still thinks that being a Test Match Special commentator is his dream job, being a judge on MasterChef seems to run it a close second.  All you need is the ability to wield a spoon - which FB reckons he can master with a bit of net practice - and the ability to utter a series of nouns in no set order: 'The sweetness; the sourness; the mushrooms; the crispness............'  FB can handle this no problem.  MasterChef Cricket will therefore give him the first step on the ladder.

The challenges facing the contestants will be stretching.   They will have use imagination and flair to exhibit the full range of sandwiches that they can make from a limited set of ingredients - basically eggs, cheese and Branston pickle.  They will have to use precision techniques to cut a Battenberg cake into enough pieces to feed both teams.  They will have to keep the skipper's dog from wolfing the sausage rolls.  They will have to remember to bring the milk.  They will have to demonstrate how they will get the juniors to help with the washing up.

If they get through these rounds, they will face the ultimate challenge.  The empire biscuit challenge.  Can they make an empire biscuit that will convince Fantasy Bob, known as the world's greatest connoisseur of the Scottish patisserie delicacy?

It is a stern test.  The ultimate test.  Only the serious need apply.


  1. Why leave it at Masterchef? The Great Cricket Bake-off is another possibility - or even a new series of The Not-So-Hairy Cricketers. Plenty of scope for FB to perfect his Greg Wallace impersonation there.