Monday, 15 November 2010

The Hundred Acre Wood CC

'Nobody seemed to know where they came from, but there they were in the Forest:  Kanga and Baby Roo.  When Pooh asked Christopher Robin, 'How did they come here?'  Christopher Robin said, 'In the Usual Way, if you know what I mean, Pooh,' and Pooh, who didn't, said 'Oh!'  then he nodded his head twice and said, 'In the Usual Way.  Ah!'  Then he went to call upon his friend Piglet to see what he thought about it.  And at Piglet's house he found Rabbit.  So they all talked about it together.

'What I don't like about it is this,' said Rabbit............... far you will be familiar with this enchanting tale - Chapter 7 of Winnie the Pooh – ‘In which Kanga and Baby Roo come to the Forest.’  But A A Milne's original text was suppressed by the then Home Office.  Through diligent research in the national archives, Fantasy Bob has recovered the original and he shares it with you now.

'What I don't like about it is this,' said Rabbit, 'Why do we need an overseas amateur, anyway?'  Rabbit was self-appointed captain and opening bat of the Hundred Acre Wood CC and an animal of strong opinions.

'Well, we did lose all our games last season,'  said Pooh pulling on his wicket keeper's gauntlets.

'Yes, all our games, even the one I scored 43 not out in,' said Piglet, who generally batted number 3 although as a very small animal he didn't really like fast bowling.  'You only scored anything because Owl was umpiring and he doesn't know the LBW law.  You were out three times,'  responded Rabbit in that not-very-captainly-not really-thinking-about-team-morale way.

Eeyore had joined the group from his dark and lonely place at fine leg.  'I suppose the amateur will be a left arm spinner like me and that'll be the end of my bowling spells,'  he said gloomily.

'Well, they're not going to take over from me opening the bowling,' said Tigger, the bounciest bowler in the Forest. 

Just then Kanga and Roo came up to them. 'G'day, mates.’ 

'Now look I’ve won the toss,' said Rabbit.  'We're batting - can you come in second wicket down.  I don't expect you'll be needed because I'm feeling in top form today.'  'The last time you said that you were out first ball.' said Eeyore.  'That was obviously a no-ball', said Rabbit pulling his gloves on crossly.  Rabbit usually did things crossly, he found it helped him feel important.

‘Strewth,’ said Kanga, ‘ you’re one cross bastard.  Now which one of you larrikins has the tinnies, ‘cos I’m’s dry as a dead dingo’s donger.’ 

There was a long and thoughtful silence.   And when it had finished, there was another.  And then Pooh, who had been frowning very hard, said, ‘The thing is.’  And stopped.  He was sure there was a thing but it was one of those things that was very hard to put into words.   And then Piglet boldly said, ‘Yes, the thing is,’ and he stopped too, because a small animal could only be bold for a short time.  ‘The thing is,’ said Owl, ‘could you speak in English?’  ‘Yes, yes,’ said Pooh and Piglet,’ could you speak in English.  Please.  Pooh is a bear of little brain and long words bother him, so he cannot be expected to understand other languages.’
‘Cripes, well tie me down with Ricky Ponting’s jockstrap my little chubster and chubster’s mate.  We're going to have a jolly good day.'

Later, when the match had finished, and the Hundred Acre Wood CC had won its first game with Kanga scoring 158 not out and taking 6 wickets,  Rabbit had scored 0 bowled by a no-ball he said crossly to anyone who would listen, Piglet got 12 before the fast bowler came back and Pooh had struck a career best 7 and taken a catch,  Tigger and Eeyore had taken 2 wickets each, Christopher Robin found Pooh sitting outside his house. ‘What are you thinking Pooh?’ he said. ‘Thinking?  Oh, that 7 is a pretty good score for a bear of little brain and it might make a good poem’.  ‘Ah, yes, and what do you think of Kanga?  The Committee thought an overseas amateur could help the side develop their game a bit.'

‘No worries, mate,’ said Pooh, ‘that’s one bonzer bloody player, mate, showed that dipstick Rabbit a trick or two, got us to sledge the arses off those oppo bastards this arvo, good and proper, and we stonkered them.  Now, mate, I need to find my budgie smugglers, have the Pommie shower, then I do the Harold Holt and I’m ready for the barbie tonight, a few jars of the amber fluid and I’m ripper.’

Christopher Robin moved on and thought to himself, 'Yes, the overseas amateur will certainly help the team develop.'