On Masks, Hurt and Foxy Fowler

Fantasy Bob found himself behind Sandy and George again as they queued outside Boots.  Though these cricket lovers are men of few words, he couldn't help overhearing.

George?  Is that you?

Mmmmmm

What?

Mmmmmm

I can't hear a word you're saying behind that mask.  Take it off.

Mmmmmm  I daren't.  Jean made it specially.

Did she?  Well it's a very fetching colour.  That bright pink really goes with your eyes.  I'm glad to run into you.  Did you see the cricket on the BBC last night?

Cricket on the BBC?  You must be joking.

They're replaying old matches.  They were at Lords with the West Indies in 1984.

A great game.

A great game.

(Pause) 

A great game.  What happened?

Well, Fowler got it right in the chuckies from Garner.  

(They both wince and slightly bend their knees).

That happened to me once.  Right in the chuckies.  From Garner.

Garner!?  You never faced Joel Garner.

Joel?  Maybe not but Noel Garner was an 11 year old leggie at the club back in the day.  Little beggar bowled me his wrong 'un. 

And got you....

...right in the chuckies.  I was singing soprano for a week.  Jean thought it was hilarious.

Well, Fowler went on to get a hundred.

He was a great lad.

Aye.  Foxy they called him.  

Foxy Fowler.  That's him.  A great lad.  Should have played lots more Tests. 

He's had his problems.

Anyone would if they'd been hit in the chuckies by Garner.

No, he gets very depressed.  He has to sleep in a tent in the garden.

That's what Jean tells me to do when she says my snoring's ruining her beauty sleep.  

But you don't have a garden.

You try telling her that.

Anyway Foxy does lots of great work for mental health in cricket.  A great lad.   You should read his book.  Absolutely Foxed.

I'm sorry to hear that, is that why you're at the chemist?

No, that's what Foxy's book's called.  Anyway, what about your mask?  You said Jean made it.  What with?

She's a woman for the recycling.  She thought it's be a good use of some of her old underwear.

I thought that was it.

How?

She hasn't removed the Ann Summers label.

On Self Isolation, Holidays and Boycott

Sandy and George are old friends.  They are used to seeing each other frequently during the summer as they watch cricket together.  This summer they haven't seen each other for some time, until they ran into each other today queuing to get into a well-known supermarket. They are men of few words.  Fantasy Bob couldn't help overhearing their conversation.

George?

Sandy?

(Pause)

George?

(Longer pause)

What?

I haven't seen you since the end of last season.  What have you been doing?

I've been self isolating.  I'm locked up.

You mean locked down.

No, locked up.  Jean took away the key.

That wife of yours is a strict woman all right.

She is, and that's not the half of it.  She says I'm not getting out till I pass the test.

You've not been doing your piloting lessons again have you?

No, the COVID test.  So I've been swotting up.  I know all there is to know.  I reckon I'll pass it easy.

It's not that kind of test.   Anyway you're out now - did you test negative?

No, I climbed out the window.  Jean took the car, said she was away to get an eyetest.  So I've come to get something for my tea.  A couple of empire biscuits would be nice.

Indeed.  Are you missing the cricket?

Like blazes.  

They say it might be starting again in August.

August - that's hopeless I'm on my summer holidays then.

You going anywhere special?

Jean says she got a very cheap deal in Minnesota.

That sounds like fun.

Yes, she says the place is a riot.

Did you hear the news?  About Boycott?

Who?

Geoffrey Boycott.  

Oh, that Boycott.  

He's been dropped.

About time - I always thought he scored too slowly.

Not from the team - from commentating.

So there'll be no more corridor of uncertainty...

...and no more Mother hitting it with a stick of rhubarb...

...and no more Grannie catching it in her pinny.....

...and no more just add two wickets to the score....

...and no more I'd book in for bed and breakfast on that wicket....

...and no more that were wasted on him...

...and no more show him the maker's name.

It's the end of an era.

Things'll never be the same.

(They sigh deeply together)

(They sigh again even more deeply)

Did you like him?

Boycott?  Couldn't stand him.

Me neither. 

An Opportunity Missed?

The well known security weaknesses of Zoom mean that Fantasy Bob was able to eavesdrop on a recent discussion of a top level strategy meeting of the cricketing authorities.

Good news, there's three Tests against the West Indies.

Excellent.  Who are they playing?

Er....England.

Pity it's not somebody good.

They have to play in a bio-secure environment.

They're not going all the way to New Zealand surely?

No, they're making a bio-secure environment here.  

Good, it's about time they sorted this climate change thing out.  My strawberries were far too early this year.

It's not that kind of environment, it's about protecting the players.

Oh and how do they do that?

They lock them in a hotel for 9 weeks.

Very wise - particularly for that chap Stokes. 

You've got to be tested to get in.

That's no problem for me - had a test a month ago - prostrate's as sound as a bell.

Anyway it's a great opportunity.

Yes, the crowds should be huge.  Do you think I could sell my strawberries to them?

There won't be any crowds.  But it's still a great opportunity.

Is it?

Yes just think - no one's going on holiday this summer.  Everyone'll be at home. 

Of course.  That's brilliant, if we could just get it on the BBC, we'd get lots of new cricket fans.

Don't be silly - it'll only be on Sky.

But I thought you said it is a great opportunity.

It is - buy shares in Sky they could get lots more subscribers.  You'll make a killing.

What's New Pussycat

There is nothing of cricketing interest in this post.  

Tom Jones apparently has his 80th birthday this weekend.  Nothing remarkable in that other than the usual laments about how quickly time has passed since he burst on the scene with It's Not Unusual and all the rest of that stuff

For reasons best known to themselves, the Guardian decided to honour Tom Jones by ranking his top 20 songs.  For reasons best known to themselves, What's New Pussycat failed to make the top 20.  In its place were a whole lot of songs that Fantasy Bob has never heard of.  Not that says very much since he has not followed the career of Mr Jones with any attention.  In fact other than Delilah and It's Not Unusual, What's New Pussycat is the only Tom Jones song that he has heard of.

Not that What's New Pussycat is particularly great, but it is memorable in its own cringing way.

It is even more memorable after hearing this excellent comedy routine by John Mulaney.  Test Match Quality.

Akram

The cricket world is celebrating on two fronts today.  The West Indies have confirmed that they will play in England later this summer in a bio-secure environment.  Disgracefully this will not be available on free to air television unlike the football.  But that is another story.

The other cause for celebration is the 54th birthday of one of the all time greats - Wasim Akram.  As Mike Selvey (an excellent follow on Twitter) has commented, there are many bowlers who say they swing it both ways, what they mean is that they swing it either way.  Wasim is the only one who could swing it both ways in the same delivery.  Of course, from Fantasy Bob's point of view, the fact that Akram was left arm over gave him an undue advantage (or it would have had had he bowled at FB).    But that is yet another story.

Let that take nothing away from Wasim Akram - 414 Test wickets and 502 ODI wickets are serious achievements.  

FB was lucky enough to see Akram in action - against England at Lords in 1992. Gooch won the toss and opted to bat.  Things seemed to be going England's way and Akram and Waqar made no inroads before lunch and for some time after.  England were on 123 without loss and Gooch on 69 when Akram bowled him off an inside edge.  As is the way of things, wickets then fell regularly - Waqar was the main destroyer ending up with 5-91, including Ian Botham in his last Test match. No doubt this was reverse swing, although it hadn't been identified as a thing at that time.  Pakistan bowled England out for 255 and had an uneventful bat before close.  They went on to win the match by 2 wickets.  Akram got 4-66 in England's second innings and, with Pakistan looking more than a bit shaky as they chased victory, brought the victory home with 45*.  He was awarded Man of the Match.  Highlights of the match can be seen on this link.

FB's day out at Lords was memorable for another reason (as if seeing Akram and Waqar in full flight wasn't enough).   And this is another story.  In fact it is one that FB has told before on these pages, but it is worth telling again. 

As he sat in the Edrich stand that day, the seat next to him was taken by a backpack from behind which appeared a young lady from Sydney who introduced herself as Imogen.  She told FB that she was on a project to visit every county cricket ground in England.  As play went on, she relished the spectacle of England's batting being given a going over, reserving special enthusiasm for the dismissal of Ian Botham.  FB though that this was probably an Australian thing; he smiled politely.

As play closed for the day, in that spirit of friendship for which Scottish people, other than FB, are justly renowned, and knowing that his home city housed no county ground, FB casually invited her to visit if she ever came to Edinburgh and gave her his phone number.  

A week later Mrs FB was surprised to answer the phone and hear a voice at the other end confidently in tone, 'This is Imogen from Sydney.  I'm at Waverley station and I'm really looking forward to staying over.'  On reflection, the word surprised in that sentence maybe an understatement. On further refllection FB thought he might have made a bit of an error in not having reported his casual invitation to Mrs FB.  However, Imogen duly arrived and proved a pleasant guest while she dragged herself round the various tourist sights.  Mrs FB rallied.  Imogen stayed for ten full days.  And then she was gone, back to accumulate the county grounds of England.  There were Christmas cards for a couple of years.  Who knows where she is now?

A Good Length?

There is now a debate raging about whether the physical distancing guidance of 2m should be reduced to 1m.  The main reason behind the debate seems to be the hope that reducing the safe distance would help pubs reopen.   In fairness, those advocating this change point out that the WHO guidance is for 1m and the adoption of 2m by many countries, including the UK, is based on flimsy evidence.  Some countries have not even defined the desired distances in terms of metres but have used more intelligible concepts - Yukon in Canada has been urging its citizens to stay one caribou apart.  Presumably, if they revise their guidance caribous can expect to be cut in half as people determine the appropriate distance.

FB doesn't know what to think.  He is struck by the similarity to the endless debate over what constitutes a good length in cricket.  Experts, though not peer reviewed by the WHO, suggest that a good length ball should pitch anywhere between 4 and 7metres from the wicket.  (For those reading in Canada this is between 2-3 caribous). This is well over 15% of the available territory between bowler and batter which strikes FB as being a pretty loose definition, even in these days when official guidance seems specifically to be designed to be unintelligible.

A good length is meant to be the length which causes the batsmen uncertainty as to whether to come forward or go back to play the ball.  This means that any ball is a good length ball to a batsman like FB.  Putting that obvious point aside, a good length may vary depending on a number of factors, not least on the amount of bounce in the pitch - on a softer wicket, such as those typically found in Scotland, a good length will be a longer length than on a softer wicket.  

It may therefore be that the good length for physical distancing purposes will be greater in some circumstances than in others.  Some environments are obviously harder wickets -  pubs, clubs and buses for example and it might be sensible to try pitching it a little further from the batsman.  More caribous required.  2m might therefore be sensible.  By comparison, softer wickets of an outdoor walk might justify an adjustment and fewer caribous.  FB, whose line and length is generally immaculate - although usually suited for the wicket he played on the previous week, is confused.  Not even the caribous have clarified things.

It becomes even more confusing when the concept of bowling 'back of a good length' is introduced.  Is this not in itself a good length?  Many is the skipper who has suggested to FB that, having completed his athletic run up the hill against the wind, he should be pitching it back of a length.  On hearing such an instruction FB simply nods.  He knows better to ask his skipper exactly where he thinks the magical back of a length might be.  This would invite meltdown and would probably be unhelpful to the team's cause.  It is certain that no matter where FB pitches it his skipper will applaud the delivery with the equally meaningless epithet, 'Good areas, FB.'

And so the coronavirus guidance is in similar territory.  Faced with the choice between 1m and 2m, FB will be adopting the back of a good length concept, knowing that in doing so he is likely to be in good areas. 

A Burning Issue

Fantasy Bob reads that the police in Scotland dispersed 797 gatherings on Saturday, an indication that the continuing lockdown restrictions may be increasingly disregarded by many of the population. 

Unhappily not enough of these dispersals were at the home of Poloc Cricket Club in Glasgow.  The club posted on Twitter pictures of the litter left behind by weekend picnicers and damage caused by barbeques.

This comes as no surprise to FB who has encountered similar damage to pitches with which he is familiar.  Edinburgh's Home of Cricket on the Meadows frequently suffers burn marks from disposable barbeques.  Occasionally these occur on the squares themselves which suggests a lack of awareness times two. 

 'Oh look they've left a nice bit of short grass here specially for us to sit on.  Fire up the BBQ.' 

 

FB has also encountered scorch marks in the middle of an artificial wicket at the Inch - a melted wicket.  Perhaps it was luck that they were half way down the track - anything nearer a length would have rendered it wholly unusable.  Might it be that the barbeque oparty put some thought into their positioning?  

'Don't put in on a length - that'll spoil it for the cricket'' 

 

'What do you mean - I didn't get crickets - I got burgers.'

It is too easy to be enraged by this unthinkng ignorance.  

When FB was a boy, public parks were policed by 'the Parkie,' a terrifying figure with an official cap, who would enforce acceptable behaviour and pick up litter with a stick with a nail on the end of it.  A Parkie would never have allowed a barbeque in an inappropriate sport.  In fact they would not have known what a barbeque was, but that is another matter.  Were they to come back to life, the Parkies of FB's boyhood would not understand why anyone would want to eat incinerated sausages tasting vaguely of petrol.  But then the Parkies of FB's boyhood understood cricket to a degree and cricket's requirement.  They frequently joined the bounce games for an over or two before picking up their stick with a nail on the end again and going about their business.   

Perhaps Parkies would not make that much difference these days.  It is as much that there is a declining understnading of cricket in the wider population - it is no longer on free to view TV, you rarely spot it in the sports sections among the 20 pages of football coverage (even when football is not being played).  English football is to be braodcast on free to air when it resumes post lock-down.  Surely it is time for cricket to be given similar treatment.  It's the only way to stop pitches goiing up in smoke.