Line and Length of Duty

The AC-12 Cricket Club meet in the pavilion after their latest match. Skipper Ted Hastings is unhappy and wants to know what went wrong.

Ted:       Mother of God – can you explain to me what happened out there?

Steve:    Guv, there was clear evidence of OCG.

Ted:       Organised Crime Group?

Kate:      No, boss, an Offie Chucking Googlies.

Steve:     Yes, guv, it was a ARU

Ted:        Surely not an Armed Response Unit?

Steve:     No, Arm Really Unstraight.

Ted:        Give Me Strength. There’s only one thing I’m interested in and that is catching bent arms. What did the umpire do?

Steve:     UCO

Ted:        He was undercover?

Steve:     No, Umpire Copped Out – he didn’t call it.

Ted:        So what was your tactical response? Did you call for back up?

Kate:      Yes guv. Put our star bat up the order. Told him SOCG. 

Ted:        Serious and Organised Crime Group?

Kate:      No guv – See Off the Chuckie Guy.

Ted:        Now that is good thinking DI Arnott. Didn’t you say he was the CHIS?

Steve:     Yes, guv.

Ted:        The Covert Human Intelligence Source?

Steve:     No, Guv. He Couldn’t Hit It off the Square.

Kate:      Boss, he DPS’d

Ted:        Directorate of Professional Standards?

Kate:      Afraid not, boss, Didn’t Play Straight.

Steve:     It was clearly NCS.

Ted:        National Crime Squad?

Steve:     Not a Cricket Shot.

Ted:        Now we’re getting to the truth – now we’re sucking on diesel.

Kate:      Yes, Guv that’s what we thought when we tasted the tea.

        At this point the opposition skipper enters.

Ted:        I think you should sit down fella, or I will handcuff you to that desk.

Skip:      Calm down Ted – we had a good match out there.

    Your team took things all the way.

Ted:       My officers conduct themselves to the letter of the law, sir. The letter!

Skip:      Maybe, but we weren’t sure that calling for a Tactical Firearms Unit

               was the appropriate response when our opening bat got his fifty.

Ted:       What are you talking about? It wasn’t a Tactical Firearms Unit.

    I said Tighten the Fielding Up. 

Skip:      Ah yes, pity you grassed that nick off him.

Ted:       Catching criminals is tough enough but catching slip chances......

    God give me strength.

Steve:    That batter was MIT.

Ted:       Major Incident Team?

Steve:    Middling It.

Skip:      Still - pity that after tea it was CID.

Ted:       Don’t tell me...

Kate:     ...yes, guv, Chucking It Down.

Steve:    Yes, we had to come off.  After that it was NCPA.

Ted:       No Cause for Police Action?

Kate:     No Cricket Played Again.