A Word to the Wise

Scenes in American cities over the past few evenings make uncomfortable viewing.  There have been riots and looting before in many cities in the USA, and on occasion in Britain.  But Fantasy Bob does not recall these ever being commented on by the President (or Prime Minister) with the words, 'When the looting starts, the shooting starts.'  FB might be wrong but these words, and the sentiment behind them, seem to him ill chosen.

It brings to FB's mind instances in cricket when ill-chosen words have come back to haunt the speaker.  The outstanding example is Tony Greig's Grovel interview.  In 1976 in a TV interview before the First Test against the West Indies he said, "I'm not really sure they're as good as everyone thinks. These guys, if they get on top they are magnificent cricketers. But if they're down, they grovel, and I intend, with the help of Closey and a few others, to make them grovel."

To say this incensed the West Indian players and their support is an understatement.  As many subsequent accounts and interviews tell, they felt strongly this was a racial slur.  They only knew one response and their fast bowlers, helped by a hot dry summer which hardened wickets, let rip.  They blew England away at Headingley and Old Trafford and dominated the Final Test at the Oval.  Play was actually interrupted by a pitch invasion of West Indian fans when Greig hgad been dismissed by Michael Holding.  Clive Lloyd, with a first innings lead of 252, did not enforce the follow-on.  Roy Fredericks and Gordon Greenidge cut loose in an unbeaten first-wicket stand of 182 in 32 overs. As the noise from the spectators increased in the afternoon heat, Greig slowly walked towards the phalanx of noisy West Indian support and sank to his knees, grovelling to the crowd. They roared their delight. "I realise that I made a mistake in using that word at the start of the series and they haven't let me forget it," he told the press that night.  England lost the match, Holding bagging 14 wickets, and the series.  It was the start of West Indies domination of the game.

A West Indian fast bowler is also at the centre of one of the other great examples of ill-judged words. In 1993 during an ODI at Sydney, the mercurial Australian batsman Dean Jones asked Curtley Ambrose to remove the wristbands he was wearing. Which he did. Not with particularly good grace.  He put the burners on and took 5-32 as Australia were demolished.  Ambrose smouldered for the subsequent Test series, which West Indies won 2-1. Ambrose took 33 wickets, including a spell of 7-1 in the final match, and was judged the player of the series. Jones' popularity with his team mates (perhaps never particularly high) took a bit of a pounding - it is well known that Mark Taylor watching from the other end as Jones made his request yelled out, "What are you doing? I have two kids. What are you thinking?"

Taylor's comment is recorded in the fascinating account of this incident which Dean Jones wrote some years after.  In it, he tells that he was batting with a broken thumb, injured by Wasim Akram in the previous match.  He also notes that Steve Waugh who also had a run-in with Ambrose made his peace with Ambrose in way that Jones was unable to, and sthey successfully marketed together sweatbands as memorabilia.  This article is worth reading - find it on this link.

Of course, the President is disadvantaged in that he does not have the heritage of cricket to draw on.  Had he this privilege, he might have recalled these instances and paused before pressing send.  Or, there again, he might not have.

Dunbar

It is a perfect day for cricket.  Which is why, of course, none is being played.  And on this perfect day, had not events intervened, Fantasy Bob would have expected to have been playing against Dunbar CC at Edinburgh's Cavalry Park.  Always an enjoyable tussle and one that is sadly missed.

The mention of Dunbar and Cavalry together brings not so much a cricketing image to FB's mind, but a reminder of the epic western Dances With Wolves, whose protagonist is a US Cavalry officer by name of John Dunbar.  

There is nothing of cricketing interest in this film, itself a sad reminder that the period in which it is set, the immediate aftermath of the American Civil War was that which put paid to the growth of cricket in the USA.   Prior to the Amercan Civil War cricket had been highly popular, but baseball proved more adaptable to military conditions as the troops could play it almost anywhere.  The rest, as they say is history. 

In his lonely frontier station Dunbar progressively comes to know, respect and then love the Prairie Indians.  It is they who rename him Dances With Wolves after observing him doing just that with a wolf who regularly visits his encampment.  

FB wonders how cricketers would fare if they were named in a similar way after their behaviour on the field of play.  FB might hope his own name would be Up the Hill Against the Wind, but it is more likely to be Hopeless Against Spin.  He is resolved, should there be any play this season, to rename his team in this way.  Perhaps the return fixture against Dunbar at the end of July could mark that occasion in the unlikely event that it ever happens.

In the meantime, it is a good opportunity to be reminded of the movie's splendid John Dunbar theme composed by John Barry.  It expresses the epic journey to the frontier and the open spaces encountered there.  Hear it again on this link.  Test Match Quality

Where's Cricket?

Fantasy Bob has this transcript from the Government's high powered virtual committee on sport and the coronavirus.

Gentlemen, good news.  The lockdowns are easing.  

Excellent - when is the football on the tele?

Golf and fishing are now allowed.

Who cares, what about the football?

And bowls - only you're not allowed to use the toilet.

Well that makes it impossible for most of the men - they all need a pee every second end.

Gentlemen, we need to think about cricket.

[Pause]

I've thought about it.  Now what about the football?

Shouldn't it be the cricket season now.

Don't be stupid, the football season hasn't finished.

He's right, the cricket season can't start until the football season has finished.

But if the football season starts again, it could go on until.....

...until August, exactly.  When the football season starts again.

So the cricket season can't start.

Well, I think we've sorted that out quite well.  

Er...did you say when the football's on the tele?

Merchants

There is a palpable air of excitement in the air tonight as it has been announced that Scotland’s golfers are to be released into the wild again. Sadly for many others this means that their ability to enjoy government approved walks across many golf courses will come to an end. Mrs FB is among those lamenting. The lockdown period has seen her stride out across local courses, sometimes with Fantasy Bob tagging along at a respectful distance.

She has grown very fond of the Merchants of Edinburgh course, which is close by and offers commanding views over the City and the countryside beyond.

It has to be said that she did not find particularly interesting FB's recollections from the few times many years ago that he played it of the quirks of the course. But her interest perked up when she saw a plaque installed in a wall at a far point of the course which reports that during the First World War, these very fairways were trod by Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen while they were patients at the adjacent Craiglockhart Hospital. The plaque gives some brief biographical details and quotes from each of their works, but makes no comment as to whether they were golfers of any great skill.  It is intriguing to think of them both, niblicks in hand, conversing poetically, not about the merchants of golf in Edinburgh but the merchants of death in France to whom they had been exposed.

Mrs FB is a great admirer of Sassoon – a dashing horseman in his day - whose Memoirs of a Fox-Hunting Man she particularly commends. FB reminded her that Sassoon was also a keen cricketer. ‘Nobody’s perfect’, she retorted.  He played enthusiastically and references to cricket can be found several times in his writings.  Mrs FB had obviously put to the back of her mind that her favourite volume contains a celebrated description of a village cricket match – the Flower Show Match.  It captures that world before 1914 when everything seemed to be in its rightful place.  A world that was shortly to be shattered and whose pieces, perhaps, have never come together again.

By contrast, Wilfred Owen does not seem to have had any cricketing interest.  As Mrs FB said, nobody's perfect.

EPOC

Fantasy Bob can reveal the science behind the cricket tea.

Compared to the world of physical training cricket is acronym light. There's LBW......and that's about it. But the gym aficionado has a whole alphabet soup at their disposal.   It seems unfair.

AMRAP EMOM, HIIT- it could be a greeting in an exotic langauge.  Those mellifluent sounds could bring to mind the waving palm trees, the whitle coral beaches or the limpid blue ocean. Instead to the congnoscenti it means nothing beyond pain, sweat and more sweat.

For those not in the know, AMRAP means as many rounds (or reps) as possible -  you do an exercise, or set of exercises, and keep doing it basically until you drop or until time is up. This acronym at least can translate to cricket - as many runs as possible is always a sensible exhortation. It should join the set of generally useless advice a batsman is given by his skipper, or teammates, as he makes his way to the middle - Don't Get Out, Get the Bat on the Ball, One Ball at a Time, AMRAP. Perfect.

EMOM is less easy to put into a cricketing context. It means Every Minute on the Minute - as it says, you do the same set of exercises every minute. You should finish a bit before the minute is up,which gives you a bit of rest before the next minute starts. You keep going for 10 minutes, 20 minutes - hours or days if you like. It would make absolutely no sense to add this to the list of exhortations to a new batsman.

HIIT means High Intensity Interval Training - short bursts of exercise with short rests in between - and it is the basis structure for many exercise programmes. There are some situations that are comparable in cricket - running a three for example, although the rest to exercise ratio may not be up to the personal trainer's requirements, despite what the batsman might think as he calls for resuscitation. But in cricketing terms, HIIT is readily understood.  Hit it into the Trees. In lower league cricket a batsman needs no encouragement to attempt this, no matter how much he lacks the technique actually to achieve it.

EPOC means excess post-exercise oxygen consumption also sometimes referred to as the exercise afterburn. Having AMRAP'd, EMOM'd or HIIT'd - or indeed bowled a spell up the hill against the wind, the body uses more oxygen than before exercise, so it burns more calories during our recovery from exercise than before exercise. 

This is why cricketers have tea. For the cricketer the correct acronym is more correctly EPCC - excess post-exercise cake consumption.

The Spirit of Not-Cricket

There is futher discussion today about the extent to which occupying the crease is injurious to eyesight and whether a wild drive outside off stump is an appropriate way of testing opthalmalogical fitness.

Senior batsmen have suggested that they have themselves driven for this purpose many times.  Others have responded to these claims with some scepticism, recalling instances when those batsmen might have failed to walk after nicking off.

As Fantasy Bob has readily confessed, this is not an issue on which he can claim any expertise.  He bats with his eyes closed.  Any kind of drive, whether it is outside off stump or outside a well known visitor attraction, would not really help him determine whether he is fit for continued crease occupancy.  In most circumstances he is unfit for that role anyway - eyesight being only one of a myriad of possible factors - so there is no point in prolonging the agony.  The bowler should just pop a straight one in.

There is also a suggestion that the batsman currently in the public eye may have revised previous match reports on his blog to improve his average.  Long suffering readers of this blog (and any reader, even shorter term, must be suffering) can be assured that Fantasy Bob has not rewritten previous posts to create a more favourable impression or to suggest that he foresaw current events.  FB cannot easily foresee the time in half an hour, so there would be no point. 

There are many cricketers who, match by match, play according to the precepts of the Spirit of Cricket.  They wonder how some players seem to consider themselves above or beyond these precepts.    A batsman not walking, a catch claimed on the half volley, a chucker.  It is now suggested that holding these views is evidence of a subversive world view.  The Spirit of Cricket is just not cricket, as it were.

How has it come to this?

Eyetest

The batsman at the centre of the not-walking controversy has clarified some aspects of his controversial stay at the crease. 

The suggestion that he nicked off while essaying an expansive drive at a full length ball must, he suggests, be discounted because in making the drive he was testing his eyesight.

He also suggested that in not walking he acted reasonably in exceptional circumstances.  It was a complicated tricky situation.  He wasn't yet off the mark. 

Instinct

There has been further controversy today over the batsman who allegedly didn't walk. 

The skipper has said that the batsman acted responsibly and with integrity in remaining at the crease.  He confirmed that he will remain in the side for Saturday's match, when there is an important away fixture in Durham.  He is able to provide transport and knows where the ground is.

Meanwhile the cricketing authorities have issued the following clarification of the laws of cricket:

Law 32 If a bowler's legitimate delivery hits the wicket and puts it down, the striker is out. This law is deemed not to apply when it is the striker's instinct that it was the wind which put the wicket down.

Law 33 If the batsman hits the ball, from a legitimate delivery, with the bat (or with the glove when the glove is in contact with the bat) and the ball is caught by the bowler or a fielder before it hits the ground, then the striker is out. This law is deemed not to apply when it is the striker's instinct that he had no alternative but to hit it and that the fielders appealing are just at it.

Law 34 If a bowler's legitimate delivery strikes any part of the batsman (not necessarily the leg), without first touching the bat (or glove holding the bat), and, in the umpire's judgement, the ball would have hit the wicket but for this interception, then the striker is out. This law is deemed not to apply when it is the striker's instinct that the umpire hasn't a clue.

Not Walking Into Controversy

There has been a bit of media frenzy over reports that a prominent hard-hitting batsman did not walk on nicking off in a recent innings.

Fantasy Bob has intercepted, from a source not remotely close to him, a transcript of the discussion in the dressing room after this innings.

        Hey, mate, did you nick off then?

        No skip - I did the right thing.

        Eh?

        I acted responsibly and reasonably.

        But did you nick off?

        I was caring for my family.

        I had thought we had asked everyone else to walk if they nicked off?

       Obviously they should.  But I'm not everyone else.

       So you didn't nick off.

       Er...not really.

       Well, that's all right then.  Good knock.

       Thanks skip.

The Baroque Beatles

There are lots of important things to do in lockdown. And for Fantasy Bob, spared from his full-time summer job of populating the ever-burgeoning team sheets of the go-ahead Edinburgh cricket club Carlton, lots of time to do them. 

But it is not until this week that FB has got round to the all important task of looking casually through his extensive collection of vinyl LPs.  This collection has not been added to for about 20 years - ever since CDs became the thing.  And now everything is streamed. 

Here is one gem he found. 

These are Beatles' tunes arranged in various baroque styles - mainly Bach and Handel.   The arrangements are by Joshua Rifkin, these days Professor of Music at Boston University.  He is also celebrated through his promotion of the at one time forgotten works of Scott Joplin. There are other attempts to do the same trick, but having heard them FB is confident that this tops them.

The Baroque Beatles Book was released in 1965, at the height of Beatlemania, although FB purchased it some years after.  It is worth noting that it was on the Elektra label -  whose catalogue was mainly progressive artists including the Doors and, another of FB's vinyl favourites, who have featured previously in these posts, the Incredible String Band.

FB hopes you enjoy this track from the album.  A small compensation for no cricket.

Morningtown Ride

It may be related to the widely reported impacts of the lockdown on sleep and dream patterns. Or it may not.  Whatever.  But Fantasy Bob found himself waking the other morning with the words 'all bound for Morningtown many miles away' rotating in his brain.  They stayed nearly all day.

As readers of a certain generation will know (as if there were any readers of another generation) (as if there were any readers at all), Morningtown Ride, as recorded by the Seekers, served for many years as the theme tune to Junior Choice, a radio request show for children and young people (as those of the most recent generation are now described).  When FB began listening, it was called Children's Favourites, the name changed followed the launch of Radio 1 in 1967 and shortly after Ed Stewart - Stewpot - took over the presenter's chair staying with the show till 1980.

Not that it particularly mattered to FB when he listened, but Stewpot was an occasional cricketer with the Lords Taverners - the photo shows him in a rather natty cable knit.

Inevitably perhaps, as a Radio 1 production, the content of the show changed gradually to be dominated by contemporary chart hits, but in its earlier days when FB was in the audience, it presented a wide variety of music deemed, no doubt by some high powered committee of the BBC, as suitable for young ears.  This included some proper, ie classical, music - the Hall of the Mountan King and Peter and the Wolf as FB particularly recalls.

But during FB's run with the show it featured a range of records that defy characterisation, but every word of which FB can remember, whether or not his own Morningtown Ride is disturbed by lockdown. 

Selection is difficult, there are so many worthy contenders, but here is FB's Morningtown Ride XI - in honour of Stewpot who died in 2016.  (Not in batting order.)

Right Said Fred - Bernard Cribbins

My Boomerang Won't Come Back - Charlie Drake

Donald Where's Yer Troosers - Andy Stewart

Football Crazy - Robin Hall and Jimmie Macgregor

I am a Mole and I Live in a Hole - The Southlanders

Michael Row the Boat Ashore - The Highwaymen

Rag Time Cowboy Joe - The Chipmunks

Puff the Magic Dragon - Peter Paul and Mary

A Windmill in Old Amsterdam - Ronnie Hilton

There's a Hole in My Bucket - Harry Belafonte and Odetta

The Yellow Rose of Texas - Stan Freberg

And, perhaps the lyrics of Morningtown Ride carry just a little resonance to present circumstances:

Somewhere there is sunshine somewhere there is day

Somewhere there is Morningtown many miles away

Sweater Etiquette

There is more to report from the ever fascinating world of what the new-normal will look like on the cricket field.

Bowlers will be discouraged from handing their sweaters, or caps, or presumably sunglasses since these seem to be essential to the modern game, to the umpire for safekeeping. 

No more

The concern about sweater hygiene is not surprising.  Fantasy Bob is sure that it is only the effectiveness of his immune system which has protected him during his own umpiring spells.   Even in those non-covid days not so long ago, he would recoil from the moth-eaten disease-ridden objects that were thrust at him with a mumbled 'Cheers umps, right arm over.'  He has been tempted to inquire when the sweater was last washed - if indeed it ever has been.  But before he can do so, the bowler has vanished to the distant end of his run.  FB must therefore, with some delicacy, tie the germ laden breeding ground round his waist or shoulders, whichever seems likely to be less injurious to his continuing health.  He has tried on occasion to hold his breath for the duration of the over -  but it turns him a peculiar shade of purple to the extent that the opposition captain is likely to call the emergency services.

If sweaters are bad, then taking temporary guardianship of a bowler's cap can be even more unpleasant.  The sweat of the brow may be a concept of some nobility.  But for FB, that nobility ends when a slightly warm but wholly damp cap is thrust into his hand. 

FB will concede that he may be as much a sinner as sinned against in these matters.  There was a time, before the invention of modern wind-cheating sweaters, when he took to the field bound up like Michelin man with several layers of cable knit.  These would be peeled off one by one as he progressed through his over to the evident pleasure of the umpire.  On many occasions, FB suspected that the additional weight and the effort of tying them round himself immobilised an umpire's arms making it impossible for him to raise his finger on FB's stone dead appeals.

So new sweater etiquette will be part of the new-normal.  Presumably the bowler will not be allowed to hand his sweater to anyone else for fear of infecting them.  Folding it up and placing it behind the wicketkeeper or umpire risks the 5 run penalty, and folding things neatly, indeed folding things at all, is well beyond 98% of the players FB has ever played with.  There seems no other solution than that the bowler must deposit his sweater, cap etc beyond the boundary presumably in a quarantine zone in case anyone else comes into contact with it.  This is OK if he is fielding on the boundary but if not likely it is another rigmarole imposing yet another delay in play . 

Greater minds than FB's must therefore determine the appropriate behaviour.  FB might decide just to keep his sweater on.

Dr Strangelove, Cricket and Baseball

Fantasy Bob should warn sensitive readers that this post considers issues relating to bodily fluids, in case they break out in a cold sweat at the very thought.

FB recently addressed the compelling issue of saliva and ball polishing in the light of the consideration being given to that weighty issue.  Cricket authorities have now confirmed the prospective ban on the use of saliva for ball polishing.  However they have relented on prohibiting the use of sweat.  Apparently sweat is not considered a vehicle for the transmission of the corona, or any other, virus.  The use of sweat for ball polishing will therefore continue to be acceptable, should any cricket ever be played again.

This is as well - in his long bowling spells, invariably up the hill and against the wind, FB works up a considerable sweat.  If he could not deploy it for ball polishing, he wouldn't know where to put it.

On the other hand, FB approves of the prohibition of saliva.  It is regrettable that its use has to be regulated in cricket - there is no place for it in the game which can easily survive with all saliva kept in its proper place.  In fact cricket is exemplary in this respect and its example should be commended to other sports.  By contrast, other sports are seriously spitty, and disgustingly saliva drenched.  Football, for example, where players deposit gallons of saliva on the pitch in the course of a match.  But football's saliva flood is nothing more than a minor stream compared to the torrents that accompany baseball.

Baseball is truly the world's spittiest sport - and the non-stop gobbing is assisted by continuous chewing of gum, or tobacco or sunflower seeds. Unofficial research suggests that baseball players and coaches spit every 30 seconds.   Strangely for such a saliva dominated game, it is illegal to apply spit to the ball - the spit-ball is a capital offence.

That guy - he ain't spittin'

There is therefore a real challenge for the baseball authorities in working out return to play protocols.  They are proposing to prohibit spitting, tobacco use and chewing sunflower seeds.  How they will enforce these provisions against such deeply engrained habits is anyone's guess.  No doubt someone will deem it Un-American even to attempt to do so.

All this fascinating chat about bodily fluids reminds FB of the truly brilliant film Dr Strangelove.  A central character is a deranged Air Force General who triggers a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Russia.  A fervent anti-communist, he is convinced that 'there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.' He tells his colleague a very stgraight RAF officer played by Peter Sellers (one of s characters Sellers plays in the film) that he became aware of this after feeling fatigue and emptiness following an act of love. 'I was able to interpret this correctly as loss of essence......  I can assure you it has not recurred, Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, but I deny them my essence.'  (Go to this link to see the real thing)

Will the proposed ban on spitting deny baseball its essence?  That might be Un-American.  Indeed it could be a communist conspiracy.

Bakewell Crisis

Fantasy Bob reads with concern that sales of Stilton cheese, to which he is more than partial, have plummeted as a consequence of the pandemic.

This is worrying news.  The decline is attributed to a collapse of export markets.  However, significant as this factor might be, it will be as nothing compared to the impacts elsewhere on the economy attributable to the prolonged absence of cricket teas.

That these impacts are devastating can be inferred from the fact that the Treasury is unable to release its analysis, so shocking will be figures be.   Government Ministers may have been silent but the impacts can clearly be seen. Sales of mini pork pies are on the floor.  Production of mini chocolate rolls has been suspended - rolling operatives have been furloughed in their droves.

But the biggest impact is undoubtedly going to be on Mr Kipling and most significantly his Cherry Bakewells.  FB has never seen Mr Kipling's Cherry Bakewells other than in a cricket tea.  They can have no useful purpose outside that environment.  But even so, their contribution to overall GDP is significant, probably on a par with the oil industry. 

It is time therefore that a proper assessment of the impacts is undertaken and shared with the British public.  The role of the cricket tea in the national economic recovery strategy must be set out.a matter of urgency.  This should be based on the creation a national stockpile of Cherry Bakewells which will be slowly released into the market when crickt teas resume.  Otherwise there is a risk of a glut and cricket teas could feature nothing but Cherry Bakewells.  Cricketers returning to action after a long enforced lay off deserve better treatment. 

Florence

Had events not intervened, Fantasy Bob and Mrs FB would have just returned from the banks of the Arno after their intended visit to Florence.  The arrangements had long been made and a room with a view secured.  Plans had been drawn up for the glut of plazzaos, piazzas, paintings and pasta that would have filled the trip. But it was not to be.

There are many reasons to visit Florence. Cricket is not among them, the game being savagely under-represented in the works of Botticelli or Michelangelo.  But for those tiring of the endless Renaissance masterpieces, Florence is not without sporting interest.

Every June teams drawn from different districts of the city take to the Piazza Santa Croce to play Calcio Fiorentino - an early form of football originating in the Renaissance period, although some historians think it itself is a revival of a Roman game.  It is played in historic costume and preceded by much parading with banners. 

This contest is not for the fainthearted.  Calcio Fiornetino can be described as a mash-up of soccer, rugby and all-in wrestling.  Compared to it, Aussie Rules Football (the game without rules) is seriously over-regulated and for wimps only.  Over the years there have been severe injuries, including death. In earlier times, rival gambling factions might release bulls into the playing area in hopes of adding confusion and inciting victory.  It may be slightly gentler now, but the modern version of calcio has not changed much from its historical roots, which allow tactics such as head-butting, punching, elbowing, and choking.  Kicks to the head are currently banned.  It is also prohibited for more than one player to attack an opponent.   

Inevitably the 2020 event has been postponed from the traditional June date.  It is hoped to stage it later in the year.  So a retimed visit to Florence for Fantasy Bob could coincide with the rescheduling.  If that were the case, lower league cricketers in the East of Scotland might have to watch out when play resumes lest FB bring any Calcio tricks home with him.

Nothing like a match report

While for most cricketers the continued postponement of action is a cause for lament, there is one group of cricket lovers which is looking at the silver lining of this particular cloud with secret relief.  They are the set-upon souls who rely on the match reports of the Fourth XI of the go-ahead Edinburgh club Carlton to know what happened in the weekend's action.  Every Sunday morning they will find themselves mystified as they scan another report and wonder if there was any cricket played and if so what exactly might have happened by way of a result.

It is rumoured that Fantasy Bob has some hand in these productions.  Over the years, they have come in all shapes and sizes other than sensible - in verse, in rap, in Homeric dactylic hexameters, in the form of film scripts or exam papers.  Anything other than a clear and simple statement of what happened.  The list of extaneous characters, with little or no cricketing pedigree, who have featured in these reports is bewildering and most readers require the Dictionary of National Biography by their side to begin to make headway.  Most mystifying are the reports submitted for cancelled matches.  There is no excuse for all this.

Inspired a Carlton match report

To take an example.  The last year in which 16 May fell on a Saturday was 2015.  That day Carlton 4th XI travelled to Broomhall CC to fulfill a league fixture.  The great blues guitarist B B King had died that week, an event that was reflected in the so-called match report which appeared on the club website the next day.  Here is the first part of it.

Little is known about the late great BB King’s cricketing career.  However your correspondent has it on good authority [Which means you’re just making it up. Ed] that the doyen of blues guitarists was a committed Carlton fan, indeed some of his greatest blues numbers have been inspired by the travails of the club’s Fourth XI over the years.

Your correspondent therefore thinks it a fitting tribute to submit this match report  of the Carlton All Star 4th XI’s visit to Broomhall in the style of BB King. [Surely you mean' so called' match report. Ed]

Your correspondent woke up this mornin’ those All Star blues was in his head

Yes he woke up this morning those All Star blues was in his head

Two defeats from two and [For goodness sake you’re not going to keep this up are you? Ed.]

He drove down that long lonely road that only leads to Broomhall CC

Yeh, Yeh [Oh no, you are. Ed] , he went down that long lonely road to Broomhall CC

Yes, with Zaki Yusaf back and Maxwell Farrer also on the team

Sun was shining on the Delta [Don’t you mean the Firth of Forth? Ed] as they all arrived

Yes, the sun was shining on the Firth of Forth as the All Stars did arrive

They needed twenty points just to keep their season alive

The skipper went to the middle - came back with those lost toss blues all round his soul

Well, he don’t know how it happened  [No but everyone else does.  Ed] - lost toss blues all round his soul

The All Stars had seen these devil blues too much, but they were asked to bowl

Gill and McGill bowled tight lines and Broomhall found runs hard to make

Yes Pete and Katie did their job real well and runs were hard to make

But those bad ol’ no wicket blues was what they both had to take

After twenty overs the score was only 60 but a wicket still had to fall

Yes, the All Stars needed a breakthrough – but that bad ol’ wicket still had to fall

Not much chance of that happening since the skipper had the ball

Just when opening stand blues was settin’ in

Mikey Brown took middle stump

Then Zaki took a running catch off Harry

and the dive began to jump..................

And so on.  Enough is enough.

Any reader misguided enough to wish to read the rest can find it (and many others even more impenetrable) on this link.

But for those disinclined to bemuse themselves, Carlton 4th XI won that match by 6 wickets.

Ramping

Fantasy Bob has noted a lot of chat in recent official discourse about ramping. So, covid tests are being ramped.  PPE supplies are being ramped.  Virus research is being ramped.  Everything.  Ramp. Ramp.  Ramp.

There is a risk of confusing the cricketer, already dizzy from the lack of action.  A cricketer will immediately call to mind the shot that has come to exemplify modern batsmanship in limited over contests.  Holding the bat out towards the bowler, the batter uses it as a ramp to flick the ball over the shoulder and deposit it over the fine leg boundary.  Outrageous.

The inventor of the ramp in mid ramp

It may be Joss Buttler who is celebrated these days as the exponent par excellence of the shot, but it was invented by the Zimbabwean Dougie Marillier during a triangular tournament in 2000 involving Australia, West Indies and Zimbabwe.  Needing 15 to win off the final over of the match, he executed the shot twice against no less an opponent than Glen McGrath (whose response is not recorded).  McGrath had the last laugh however as ramps and all only 12 were taken off the over. 

For a while the shot was known as the Marillier, until commentators decided they needed something easier to say.  This is rather sad.  While Marillier's invention seems everywhere these days - even to the point that there is not a 13 year old batsman who will not attempt it in the nets against FB - its creator languishes in obscurity.   Sic transit gloria

Perhaps it is as well for public spokespersons that there was a name change.  Imagine them announcing that covid tests were being Marilliered, or that the Government was Marilliering PPE supplies.  No one would believe them.

Cricket Suspended Again

The dwindling hopes of Scottish cricketers, keen for some action, have been further dashed with the announcement by CricketScotland that all national competitions and regional leagues have been cancelled for this season.  There will be no cricket of any other sort before 1 July.  Whether there will be any even then in what remains of the summer, must be open to doubt.  But no true cricketer will abandon all hope.

Noting Fantasy Bob’s disconsolate sighs Mrs FB has been nothing but supportive. 

‘For goodness sake’, she said, looking up from her equestrian magazine, ‘every season at this time you say that you can’t go on. So what are you moaning at?’ 

There are some times when FB thinks that the much touted feminine intuition and psychological insight are much overstated. But he did not have time to interject as she continued, the article about grass sickness temporarily forgotten.

‘At least you won’t be coming in on a Saturday evening with your tail between your legs giving me some cock and bull story about getting the only ball all afternoon to shoot along the ground from short of a length to hit the bottom of your middle stump. Honestly, what a fuss about nothing – you usually go on about that for a whole week.’

FB was about to say that some of his team mates would go on about it all season and indeed one person he played with for many years made it the defining experience of his whole career and developed such a myth of victimhood that early retirement was the only option.

But Mrs FB was in full flow.

‘And at least you won’t mope around all Sunday muttering that you were triggered and the ball pitched outside leg, or was missing leg, or took an inside edge or was too high or something equally inconsequential.’

FB was about to say that in that case in point it was all of these things but not necessarily in that order. But Mrs FB had the wind in her sails,

‘And I’ll be spared your self-pity at having yet another catch dropped off your bowling. I never understand why you just don’t hit the stumps.’

FB was on the point of acknowledging the merit of this coaching insight, but Mrs FB had drawn breath and continued,

‘And don’t come shuffling around complaining that you sat in the pavilion for 3 hours waiting for the rain to ease with only the chat of the juniors about what level they have reached on Doom Eternal to dispel the silence. I bet you ate the chocolate cake anyway.’

At this Mrs FB picked up her magazine and re-engaged with the fascinations of equine colic.

FB knew when it was wise to maintain silence. One word out of him at that point and Mrs FB would pointedly have said that since he had nothing to do the grass needed mowing.

 

Return to Practice?

Fantasy Bob notes that all across England golfers, tennis players and anglers will be collapsing  into their arm chairs this evening, tired but happy following the novelty of a day of furious activity.  These  outdoor sports are now officially sanctioned south of the border.  These rules do not apply yet in Scotland, whose golfers, tennis players and anglers remain inactive.  As do cricketers the length and breadth of these islands.

Cricket was not identified in those recent relaxations.  However alongside international matches being planned behind locked doors in bio-secure environments with taped crowd noises, are reports of the authorities working hard to develop guidelines that would allow some aspects of recreational cricket to recommence.

Matches themselves can never fit with physicasl distancing rules but the optimists note that much practice is more individual.  It should therefore be possible to develop a framework which would allow net sessions, or other practice activities to go ahead, within the strictures of physical distancing. 

The only concrete suggestion that has come to FB's attention is that there should be vacant lanes between active nets.  It may however be that physical distancibng will mean a strict policy of one bowler per net will have to be applied.  FB sees this as fraught with danger, but not from the spread of the virus as such. 

FB can imagine himself turning up ready for the socially isolated spot at the end of the net.  The adjacent net is empty.  FB feels a surge of peaceful expectation as he stretches his unused muscles.  That peace is shattered when he looks up to see the bowler that he has to face for the next 15 minutes.  Inevitably it is the club's latest star 11 year old leg spinner.  There may be something to be said for this lockdown after all.

Common Sense

Fantasy Bob supposes it is one of those common sense things.  But he can't be sure.  He reads of a protest in Florida by gym-users against the continued closure of their facilities under the lockdown rules.  While there were banners waved and chants chanted, the protest also involved the demonstrators doing press-ups, squats and lunges on the pavement.  There may even have been a burpee or two slipped in by the most ardent protestors.  All thereby proving that they could function perfectly well without the gym.  A common sense thing.

Floridans protesting by press-up

FB is not sure whether the normal rules of common sense apply in Florida.  But at least these protestors came armed only with their kettle bells, eschewing the automatic rifles that have be favoured in anti-lockdown protests in other parts of the USA.  The US Constitution may, tragically, enshrine the right to bear arms, but it has yet to enshrine the right to burpee.  It may be only a matter of time before it does. Common sense might prevail.

It is worrying when public discourse turns to common sense.  Not that it has in Scotland, but in other parts of the UK it is the talk of the steamie.  It may be as well therefore to prepare for its invocation in these parts.

FB thinks there is serious cause for concern here - cricketers would seem for once be at a disadvantage relative to their peers.  For their passion for the absurd game they love is indisuptable evidence that they are devoid of common sense.  Or any sense at all. 

After all, they are inclined on many Saturday afternoons to look up at a forbiddingly grey cloud-heavy sky and, having taken account of the rain lashing into the puddles that have formed on the pitch, turn to their opponents saying, 'Give it 20 minutes, it should be all right.' 

And they are programmed to turn up to play disregarding the fact that their season's average of 0.2 is indicative not of a lack of luck but of talent.  They will be firm in the belief that today will be the day when the big score comes along. 

And then they are unable to resist shelling out a small fortune for the dubious privilege of sitting at a Test Match, harangued by a group of lads dressed as Elvis, when the invariably umpires decide that the floodlights have made it too dark for play. 

And they are likely to argue long into the post-match beers that the ball that pinned them plumb was missing leg by a distance. 

Yes, this is a game exemplary in its common sense.

It may only be a matter of time before cricketers start protesting against the lockdown and assert their inviolable right to be yorked.  When these protests come, FB hopes that cricketers will drag up any residue of common sense that remains with them to avoid a strategic error similar to the Floridan gym users.

Chappell's Law

Fantasy Bob's interest pricked up when he noticed a headline suggesting that no less an authority than Ian Chappell is advocating the end of the LBW law.

Chappell -why has he got it in for Fantasy Bob?

This would be welcome news, for, as FB has written before the difficulty of interpreting the LBW law in the lower leagues is formidable.  As a consequence,in many areas of the lower leagues, LBW was effectively abolished many years ago.

In those regions the LBW law has a similar status to those whacky laws that are still on the statute book and which feature in silly season newspaper articles every now and then.  You know the type of thing - it is illegal to fire a cannon within 300 yards of a person’s residence, to the deliberate annoyance of that resident. This is one of the more effective statutes, more effective than the LBW law anyway, since to date there have been no prosecutions.

FB was therefore pleased that Chappell's intervention could mean that the authorities might catch up with the practical realities of the game.  He was crestfallen then to read on and discover that Chappell was not advocating abolition, but only revision.  The former Aussie captain suggests that the part of the law which says a batsman cannot be out to a ball pitching outside the leg stump should be done away with.  His argument is that a bowler should be rewarded for attacking the stumps, not the batsman protected by being able to kick the ball away with impunity.

FB doesn't know what he has done to upset Mr Chappell - he always had a high regard for him and expected that sentiment to be reciprocated.  But no.  Chappell's proposal is aimed directly at FB.  It is deliberately designed to bring him to his knees.

For surely Chappell knows of FB's difficulties against leg spin bowling.  Chappell's suggestion that the batsman should be encouraged to use the bat is all very well. An idea noble in sentiment - not unlike communism perhpas.  But, in FB's case, significantly lacking practicality.   In the unlikely event that FB knew where his leg stump was, his only defence to the leg break pitching outside is to stick his posterior at it (padding up implies moving his feet which is not part of FB's repertoire at thecrease).  The bat affords him balance in that manouvre.  It has no other use.

But it is worse than that.  In FB's long list of least favourite bowling actions, second spot is occupied by left arm over the wicket.  In FB's opinion this is a wholly illegal action, but the authorities have consistely overlooked his pleas to outlaw it.  Were Chappell's proposal to be accepted, this action  becomes far more threatening.  Many balls from these bowlers might well hit the stumps but they pitch outside leg.  If these are now wicket balls, FB might have cause to promote this action to the number one slot.  He may never score a run again.

FB must throw himself on the mercy of the authorities.  Is this really what they want?

Stay Alert

Lower league cricketers will feel a spasm of recognition. 

It is clear the Prime Minister's new catchphrases are based on those bits of advice that their skipper imparts as his next batter prepares himself for the middle. 

These utterances are ritually voiced every weekend by skippers the length and breadth of the country.  And every weekend, the length and breadth of the country, they are ritually ignored. 

No doubt the skipper intends to be helpful.  But none of his exhortations is capable of being understood by the batter, far less put into execution.  The batsman has a vague memory that he played a forward defensive shot at some distant point in his career.  He may have practiced it in the nets earlier in the week, almost to the point of proficiency.  Intellectually, he may be able to accept that it might be an appropriate shot.  But that is as far as it goes.  In the middle, it is different.  He he will alertly take his guard.  He is in control. The arm comes over.  He sees the ball.  He swings.  The clatter of wickets him the worst.  Save the innings?  Not this week.

It is to be hoped that the new catchphrases find a more responsive audience.

Scams

It is one of the more depressing things about the current situation is the reported rise in the number of scams and frauds.  Fake testing kits, useless face masks, illegal hand sanitiser have all been impounded.  Fraudsters have pretended to offer Government grants or loans or IT support in order to obtain bank details.  Others have tried to defraud the Government support schemes. Numerous fake charities have been seen.  As ever the law abiding citizen is urged to be super-vigilant.

With the rise of the internet and home working it is all too easy for the consumer to be conned.  The scammer can play on the victim's fears.  The promise of instant riches or reward can be disorientating.  And in a moment's careless all is lost.

It is as well that FB has his wits about him.  He was therefore able quickly to assess this email which dropped into his in-box this week. 

Having trouble against leg spin?  

The new Grey Nikkils Nytro is what you need.  

With new MCC approved spin sensitive coating it is guaranteed to guide you down the right line - automatically.  

The Nytro comes recommended by top pros - and it can be yours for free. 

That's right - there is no charge to our special customers such as you.

To recieve this life changing product simply open the attached link.

We'll do the rest. 

FB is looking forward to receiving his new bat.  Like the ad says, he is sure it is going to be life changing.

Ode to Joy

Fantasy Bob will not be joining a red, white and blue street party today.  Nor will he listen to Winston Churchill.  Nor will he sing We'll Meet Again.

It is not that he thinks that Victory in Europe was not something worth celebrating.  And Lord knows in these troubled times we need something to celebrate.

75 years on, it is the peace that followed are the real cause for celebration.  The years of partnership which lead to the defeat of the Nazis, and the years of partnership since.  He is not sure from the tone of the red, white and blue that these are what is being celebrated. 

World War 2 was a significant presence in FB's childhood - all the adults he knew had done their bits in various different ways.  Some talked about it, some didn't.  But he cannot remember there ever being a celebration of VE Day, even though the population then had more cause to celebrate.  FB's parents told him that, yes there was celebration but the real feeling was that of relief - relief that it was all over and real life could start again. The sharp reality of experience on the home front or in combat, of rationing, of losing loved ones had not yet been mythologised.  And look at us now.  AT a time when international partnership is more important than ever. You might be forgiven for thinking that it was not so much Victory in Europe as Victory over Europe.

FB has nothing in particular against We'll Meet Again.  But there is only one piece of music that can properly represent what is being marked today.

R

Spoiler alert - this post contains referene to proper cricket and cricketers.

Fantasy Bob has noticed a lot of reference to R in the press these days.  He understands this to refer to the calculation made by epidemiologists of how infections spread.  The higher R is, the more rapidly the infection spreads.  The present challenge is to be confident that the R for the corona virus is below one - in which case the disease would effectively be fizzling out.  This is the magic number which will allow current restrictions to be eased.  Needless to say its calculation is less than straightforward and subject to all manner of complicating factors.

How corona spreads exponentially - R=2

Cricketers are used to statistical complications associated with R, which they understand to refer to the number of runs conceded by a bowler.  It may not be as complicated as the epidemiologist's calculations, although the treatment of wides and no balls has seen many a lower league scorer cry quietly into their beer.

From the cricketer's point of view, R below 1 would be a considerable achievement in any spell of more than one or two overs.  The spinner who is tossed the ball for that single over before lunch and bowls a maiden doesn't really count.  But FB can remember playing alongside a young left armer, who has since gone on to greater things but was still in primary school that day as he made his senior debut, who walked off with magical figures of 3-3-0-4.  R well below 1. 

FB's contribution in that match was 3-18 - a respectable R for him - it could have been even more respectable as all his wickets came in one over - a triple wicket maiden.   Maybe this was the nearest he ever got to R equal to one, but he had to spoil it with these other overs.  At the other end of the scale, FB cannot recall the most runs he ever conceded in a spell - this is still subject to the Official Secrets Act.  He thinks that the most runs he ever conceded in a single over was 27 which was less than fun, although the batsman seemed to enjoy himself.  In Test cricket such a going over has actually been exceeded -  three times as it happens.  RJ Petersen, who had the misfortune to encounter Brian Lara in full flow, Jimmy Anderson, who suffered under the cosh of George Bailey, and earlier this year, Joe Root, who was given the treatment by Keshav Maharaj, all went for 28 off a single over.  FB modestly suggests that this is not a bad trio to be better than.

The highest number of runs conceded in a single Test innings was by Australian Chuck Fleetwood-Smith conceded 298 runs at the Oval in 1938 - England topped 900 and Len Hutton scored 364.  Though Chuck's R is stratospheric, he bowled 87 overs so his economy rate was a relatively respectable 3.62.  The highest number of overs bowled in an innings was by Sonny Ramadan at Edgebaston in 1957.  He bowled 98 overs and had a parsimonious economy rate of 1.82 - much nearer to what the epidemiologists would like to see.

On the whole, it is perhaps as well that cricketers are not in charge of the pursuit of R below 1.

Hutton demolishing Fleetwood -Smith's R

The New Normal and Away Fixtures

Amid all the media speculation about what will be the new normal following the easing ofcurrent restrictions, Fantasy Bob notices that the challenges facing air travel loom significant.  In and out of airports and on planes themselves, it is difficult to imagine how physical distancing can be successfully achieved.  Some pessimists - or are they optimists - think that this spells the end for mass air travel.  They look forward to a new age of the train, although it seems to FB that many railway stations and rolling stock present similar challenges when it comes to physical distancing.

Vision of the future?

If it is the case that air travel is about to become a thing of the past for other than the super rich, FB will have lived through its rise and fall.  He can remember his first flight - when he was 13 from Gatwick to Girona courtesy Dan Air.  The plane had propellers.  It was a few years before he was in a plane again but this time is was a big DC-8 on its way to Chicago.  FB was given a window seat over the wing.  Seasoned passenger as he was on the basis of his Dan Air flight, he was prepared for everything.  But when the plane came into land he saw the aerilons move as the pilot manouvered.  His stomach fell, his heart surged.  He thought a bit had fallen off.  Should he tell the stewardess?  His hand was most of the way to the call bell when his Aberdonian reticence got the better of him.

From that humble start ,FB became a seasoned passenger.  At the height of the madness he made business flights two or three times a week.  He's been half way round the world (and back again).  Rather than counting sheep one of FB's falling to sleep tricks is to count the number of air ports he has used.  He gets a different total everytime.  He has gone through the stage when airlines treated passengers as persons of value, to the present approach which treats them as mere commodities.  He has seen airports change from interesting temples of modernity to unbearable shopping arcades on speed.  He has lived to tell the tale.

FB has actually taken a plane to play cricket.  This was slightly outside his customary stamping ground of the East of Scotland leagues, where transportation is normally conducted in his Volvo with 5 or 6 juniors and their kitbags hanging on for grim life. 

This was a charity tournament at the Oval, no less, to which a colleague had unwisely invited him.  He had to check in at some ungodly hour in the morning and failed to persuade the staff that his cricket bag should be considered hand-luggage.  It was a great day out and involved FB batting with and outscoring Mark Ramprakash - but that is another story.  And FB outscoring anyone was not normal far less the new normal.

Star strick - Ramps can't get over meeting FB

Given that we are now about to enjoy the new age of the train, FB also recalls that he travelled by train to play cricket a similar number of times.  This was when his then club's supply of Volvos was heavily constrained for some long forgotten reason.  The weekend brought a fixture at Stenhousemuir.  There was no alternative but for FB and his then skipper to hie to Waverley and get the train to Larbert and then hoof it.  No problem.  A reminder also that it was the first age of the train that was instrumental in spreading cricket far and wide in these islands.  It widened hugely the range of fixtures that could be planned.  Chaps and cricket bags struggling along the platform must have been commonplace.

What goes around comes around.  The new normal may be little more than the very old normal heated up a bit.

Boys in the Bubble

The way we look to a distant constellation

That's dying in a corner of the sky

These are the days of miracle and wonder

And don't cry, baby, don't cry

Fantasy Bob is reminded of Paul Simon's excellent song The Boy in the Bubble when he reads the speculation that part of the framework for easing the current lockdown will involve nominating a bubble of ten people with whom one would be allowed to associate in various settings.  

We shall all be boys in the bubble.  These are indeed days of miracle and wonder - and much else besides.

FB hasn't seen any detailed guidance on personal bubble formation.  Crticketers will be quick to see the difficulties.  You get your five batsmen.  You get your four bowlers.  Do you choose the extra bat or another bowler?  Is selecting an additional batsman a sign of weakness - revealing a concern about the fragility of the top order?  Or can it be an aggressive move allowing the top order to go for it knowing that there is some insurance in the extended line up?  

This conundrum has focussed decisions about wicket-keeping too - in the current England set up Buttler plays to deepen the batting effort and keep wicket.  Doni performed this role many years for India, who have even used Raul Dravid at a wicket keeper.  Sangakarra also returned to keeping to strengthen Sri Lanka's ODI line up.  

So difficult decisions lie ahead.  It is not clear that there are enough wicket keeper batsmen to go round all the bubbles.  Mrs FB has already made it clear to FB in no uncertain terms that he can forget about her taking up that role.  Her only rightful place is, as ever, at the very top of the order.  She is not talking about batting either.

On the other hand, it is not clear whether FB will meet the rigorous selection criteria for Mrs FB's bubble.  Her original draft nominated her horse at a significant place in the batting order.

These are indeed days of miracle and wonder. 

Homeland 8

Fantasy Bob was riveted by last night's concluding episode of the purportedly final series of Homeland.  As with the majority of the episodes of this long running series, he had only a vague idea of what was happening at any particular moment, but he got the ending. It was very skilfully done.  FB has been a loyal fan of the show from Series 1 Episode 1 and will miss it.

FB has always been intrigued that the most viewed post on this blog is one which followed the conclusion of the first series of Homeland in 2012.  It is not just the most viewed post - it obliterates all competion.  Nothing comes close.  FB has no idea why - the post has no merit in itself (as if any of his posts does).  There is no great cricketing lesson to be learned from it.  Just jejune speculation about Damien Lewis' sporting loyalties.

FB has always imagined that this surge of interest can be attributed to the activity of Russian bots.  They must have been programmed at that time to respond to references in the internet to Homeland in order to test for possible spy material.  If so, FB failed the test.  Presumably the Russinas noted his weakness against leg-spin and concluded he was an unlikely candidate for the secret world.  If he can't eal with an 11-year-old's wrong 'un, how could he be expected to stand up to interrogation?  On the whole, FB is relieved not to have become a candidate for recruitment.  He has enough trouble remembering his own name, quite apart from having to deal with another secret identity.  Not so much an asset, in spy jargon, but definitely a liability.

Mind you, should the CIA be the source of this interest in his work, he will say (in an atypical act of self advocacy) that he is more mentally stable than Carrie Matheson, the heroine of the show and the US's top field agent.  Carrie suffers from bipolar disorder and has to make sure she has her 'meds' with her as she throws herself into all manner of tricky situations in hostile environments.  Without her 'meds' she is crumpled and useless - not unlike FB at the crease.  With them, she takes on the world single-handedly.

FB wonders whether this further mention of Homeland could lead to renewed interest by the Russian spymasters. Just to be on the safe side, he should declare unequivocally that the intervening years have seen no improvement in his ability against leg-spin.  Indeed the reverse is probably more the case.  Unlike Carrie's bipolar disorder, there appear to be no 'meds' that can correct this debilitating condition. 

D.O.M.S.

Today being the day that would have been the day after the first day of Fantasy Bob's cricket season.  As such, it would generally be the day when he is most exposed to DOMS - delayed onset muscle soreness.  This can be hard to differentiate from all the other soreness that FB experiences, but it is a  recognised physiological condition which happens 6-8 hours after exercise and persists for 24-48 hours. 

FB thought he would find out more.  He pinged the Wikipedia article.  He was told in authoritative terms that DOMS is caused by eccentric exercise.  This seemed unduly personal.  He admits his bowling action may not remind many of Denis Lillee, but it is surely too much to label it eccentric.  He was about to dash off a letter to the editor when he read further - eccentric apparently refers to lengthening contractions of the muscle as opposed to isometric (static) or concentric exercise which cause less and no DOMS respectively.

FB read further and was told that delayed onset muscle soreness is not completely understood, but is thought to be a result of microtrauma - mechanical damage at a very small scale – to the muscles being exercised.  The thought is that in repairing itself from this damage, the muscle enlarges and becomes stronger.  

This led FB to reflect.  In recent seasons there have been many matches where FB has been required neither to bat nor bowl, such is the richness of resource marshalled under his captaincy (where the word eccentric may appropriately be deployed).  But DOMS still happens. So he is wondering where all this elongation of his muscles might be occuring.  By contrast, he can see that there is quite a lot of static or isometric exercise involved  - FB will remain static for long periods in the field, so much so that several times a season his team mates wonder whether artificial resuscitation will be necessary.  He supposes also that he does quite a lot of concentric exercise, since many matches seem to involve going round in circles, although this is mostly in conversation with his teammates.  Microtrauma he does not understand, since every dropped catch is a major trauma.

So he is really struggling to understand why he should experience DOMS as he does.  But slowly it dawns on him. His one contribution to the match is the toss.  Flicking the coin up with his thumb is certainly eccentric exercise, involving as it does the explosive elongation of that muscle group.  A microtrauma if ever the was (particularly if the toss is lost).  FB assumes that by some process yet to be understood by the medics, the microtrauma then spreads from the thumb to every other muscle group.  However, the good news is that he will be stronger for next week's toss.  And by the end of the season he is a veritable Schwarzenegger of tossing.