Dr Strangelove, Cricket and Baseball

Fantasy Bob should warn sensitive readers that this post considers issues relating to bodily fluids, in case they break out in a cold sweat at the very thought.

FB recently addressed the compelling issue of saliva and ball polishing in the light of the consideration being given to that weighty issue.  Cricket authorities have now confirmed the prospective ban on the use of saliva for ball polishing.  However they have relented on prohibiting the use of sweat.  Apparently sweat is not considered a vehicle for the transmission of the corona, or any other, virus.  The use of sweat for ball polishing will therefore continue to be acceptable, should any cricket ever be played again.

This is as well - in his long bowling spells, invariably up the hill and against the wind, FB works up a considerable sweat.  If he could not deploy it for ball polishing, he wouldn't know where to put it.

On the other hand, FB approves of the prohibition of saliva.  It is regrettable that its use has to be regulated in cricket - there is no place for it in the game which can easily survive with all saliva kept in its proper place.  In fact cricket is exemplary in this respect and its example should be commended to other sports.  By contrast, other sports are seriously spitty, and disgustingly saliva drenched.  Football, for example, where players deposit gallons of saliva on the pitch in the course of a match.  But football's saliva flood is nothing more than a minor stream compared to the torrents that accompany baseball.

Baseball is truly the world's spittiest sport - and the non-stop gobbing is assisted by continuous chewing of gum, or tobacco or sunflower seeds. Unofficial research suggests that baseball players and coaches spit every 30 seconds.   Strangely for such a saliva dominated game, it is illegal to apply spit to the ball - the spit-ball is a capital offence.

That guy - he ain't spittin'

There is therefore a real challenge for the baseball authorities in working out return to play protocols.  They are proposing to prohibit spitting, tobacco use and chewing sunflower seeds.  How they will enforce these provisions against such deeply engrained habits is anyone's guess.  No doubt someone will deem it Un-American even to attempt to do so.

All this fascinating chat about bodily fluids reminds FB of the truly brilliant film Dr Strangelove.  A central character is a deranged Air Force General who triggers a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Russia.  A fervent anti-communist, he is convinced that 'there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.' He tells his colleague a very stgraight RAF officer played by Peter Sellers (one of s characters Sellers plays in the film) that he became aware of this after feeling fatigue and emptiness following an act of love. 'I was able to interpret this correctly as loss of essence......  I can assure you it has not recurred, Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, but I deny them my essence.'  (Go to this link to see the real thing)

Will the proposed ban on spitting deny baseball its essence?  That might be Un-American.  Indeed it could be a communist conspiracy.