Spit and Polish

As the ECB announce that there will be no cricket before 1 July, the world has yet to hear the International Cricket Council's thoughts about when top level matches might restart.  However it should not be thought that  the ICC has been idle during lockdown.  Far from it, as this intercepted transcript of part of a Zoom meeting held earlier this week shows.

.......so, we have no idea when it will be safe to play cricket again.

No, but when we do, some things will have to change.

We must think of player safety.

Why, we never did before.  They're not going to start injecting themselves with bleach?

Please, this is serious. 

So is President Trump.

We must think about saliva.  Do you know how much is produced in a single match? Gallons. Cubic litres.

Don't tell me.  You want to bottle and sell it - I don't think that's going to be money spinner you imagine.

No - it's germ laden.  Virus ridden.  You could catch anything off it.  And bowlers use it to polish the ball which gets tossed around - sometimes people in the crowd catch it.  Slimy wet with saliva.

That's no way to talk about the spectators.

No, the ball. 

We can't ban balls from the game.

No, but our subcommittee had a great idea - we get the umpires to do the polishing

Why? Is their saliva not infectious?

Are we going to get them to drink bleach?

I'm sure some of them do already.

No, no.  We will have officially sanctioned ball polishing intervals.

Intervals.  You know what that means.

Yes, advertising breaks.

And we could get a sponsor.

Cherry Blossom shoe polish......

Cilt...

Brillo pads...

Bleach....

Anything! As long as they pay. 

More money!

[Loud applause and barking of dogs]