Nothing like a match report

While for most cricketers the continued postponement of action is a cause for lament, there is one group of cricket lovers which is looking at the silver lining of this particular cloud with secret relief.  They are the set-upon souls who rely on the match reports of the Fourth XI of the go-ahead Edinburgh club Carlton to know what happened in the weekend's action.  Every Sunday morning they will find themselves mystified as they scan another report and wonder if there was any cricket played and if so what exactly might have happened by way of a result.

It is rumoured that Fantasy Bob has some hand in these productions.  Over the years, they have come in all shapes and sizes other than sensible - in verse, in rap, in Homeric dactylic hexameters, in the form of film scripts or exam papers.  Anything other than a clear and simple statement of what happened.  The list of extaneous characters, with little or no cricketing pedigree, who have featured in these reports is bewildering and most readers require the Dictionary of National Biography by their side to begin to make headway.  Most mystifying are the reports submitted for cancelled matches.  There is no excuse for all this.

Inspired a Carlton match report

To take an example.  The last year in which 16 May fell on a Saturday was 2015.  That day Carlton 4th XI travelled to Broomhall CC to fulfill a league fixture.  The great blues guitarist B B King had died that week, an event that was reflected in the so-called match report which appeared on the club website the next day.  Here is the first part of it.

Little is known about the late great BB King’s cricketing career.  However your correspondent has it on good authority [Which means you’re just making it up. Ed] that the doyen of blues guitarists was a committed Carlton fan, indeed some of his greatest blues numbers have been inspired by the travails of the club’s Fourth XI over the years.

Your correspondent therefore thinks it a fitting tribute to submit this match report  of the Carlton All Star 4th XI’s visit to Broomhall in the style of BB King. [Surely you mean' so called' match report. Ed]

Your correspondent woke up this mornin’ those All Star blues was in his head

Yes he woke up this morning those All Star blues was in his head

Two defeats from two and [For goodness sake you’re not going to keep this up are you? Ed.]

He drove down that long lonely road that only leads to Broomhall CC

Yeh, Yeh [Oh no, you are. Ed] , he went down that long lonely road to Broomhall CC

Yes, with Zaki Yusaf back and Maxwell Farrer also on the team

Sun was shining on the Delta [Don’t you mean the Firth of Forth? Ed] as they all arrived

Yes, the sun was shining on the Firth of Forth as the All Stars did arrive

They needed twenty points just to keep their season alive

The skipper went to the middle - came back with those lost toss blues all round his soul

Well, he don’t know how it happened  [No but everyone else does.  Ed] - lost toss blues all round his soul

The All Stars had seen these devil blues too much, but they were asked to bowl

Gill and McGill bowled tight lines and Broomhall found runs hard to make

Yes Pete and Katie did their job real well and runs were hard to make

But those bad ol’ no wicket blues was what they both had to take

After twenty overs the score was only 60 but a wicket still had to fall

Yes, the All Stars needed a breakthrough – but that bad ol’ wicket still had to fall

Not much chance of that happening since the skipper had the ball

Just when opening stand blues was settin’ in

Mikey Brown took middle stump

Then Zaki took a running catch off Harry

and the dive began to jump..................

And so on.  Enough is enough.

Any reader misguided enough to wish to read the rest can find it (and many others even more impenetrable) on this link.

But for those disinclined to bemuse themselves, Carlton 4th XI won that match by 6 wickets.