Damning reports published

The executive authorities at  Carlton, the go-ahead Edinburgh cricket club, moved quickly to counter leaked reports which highlighted weaknesses in the performance squad of the club's so called All Star Fourth XI.

A series of damning reports were printed in a national newspaper yesterday which reviewed the Fourth XI's mediocre performance during the 2011 season.  They noted that the team wholly failed to make the World Cup final and attributed this to a series of disciplinary problems.  Some players including, indeed specifically, the so-called skipper appeared motivated by biscuits and the thought of tea rather than pride in performance.  The reports describe how there was uncertainty throughout the team whenever chocolate cake was on the table, with players unable to identify the tactics that the skipper wished them to use.  Consequently some used a plate others just pawed the cake into their mouths.  The report notes that the club's management and supporters expected greater consistency in approach.  While allegations of dwarf throwing were not confirmed, there were other concerns over off field discipline.  In particular, the approach to washing the tea things often left a lot to be desired.

'You can't pin this on us.......'

The club's spokesperson said that the reports were not meant for publication. The club was disappointed and frustrated that confidential reports had been put into the public domain.  He defended the skipper from the criticism saying that the club was fully aware of his predilection for biscuits before he was appointed.  Nevertheless it was disappointing that he led a deputation of senior players demanding more almond slices at the start of the season.

Fantasy Bob was unavailable for comment, his personal staff said he had just popped out to get a couple of empire biscuits to have with his tea.