Monday, 16 July 2012

Security Matters

Fantasy Bob has issued the following statement:

FB is totally committed to delivering safe, secure and successful Fourth XI fixtures at Grange Loan.

He is entering the final stages of an extremely complex workforce supply contract which is on an unprecedented scale. Getting eleven players in recent weeks has been a challenge. Finding an additional 3500 to conduct security searches and mount perimeter patrols has been a nightmare.
At the point he felt that he could no longer assure the scale of the security workforce he had committed to, he buried his head in the sand and produced meaningless match reports for Fourth XI  matches that had been cancelled. He accepts this is far from the standard of leadership that is expected of him and did nothing to reduce the threat to players of terrorist attack.  Doughty Groundsmen were also put unnecessarily at risk. 
The government has therefore decided to increase the number of military personnel who will work at Grange Loan during forthcoming Fourth XI matches.
FB is grateful for the additional military support. He does not underestimate the impact on the military personnel and their families and expresses his appreciation to them. FB will ensure that they gain preferential access to the tea table before the juniors have scoffed all the chocolate cake.
FB accepts his responsibility for the additional cost of the increased military deployment. It is estimated that he will incur a loss on the contract in the range of £35m-£50m, all of which will fall in the current financial year. That could buy a whole lot of empire biscuits.
FB would also like to reassure those residents of the flats opposite the ground that the surface to air missiles now positioned on their roof will not be fired during the hours of darkness.
FB deeply regrets everything to do with the Olympic Games.

New security facilities at Grange Loan


  1. As a regular user of Edinburgh airport, I am more concerned about the considerable delays resulting from greatly increased passenger traffic associated with Carlton home games. This needs to be addressed urgently, otherwise gridlock will become a regular weekend occurrence. The dedicated Carlton Games lanes have only made the situation worse.

  2. The exclusive use of important traffic arteries in the City by Carlton personnel, their bodyguards and family members is fully justified by the economic and other benefits brought to the City by Carlton.