Thursday, 14 April 2011

A thinking man's game?

According to the latest survey, whose results have just been published, men think about sex only once every two hours - not every seven seconds, as is commonly believed.  This is a weight off Fantasy Bob's mind, at times he found the seven second thing a bit onerous.  Just as the bowler's arm comes over - ding! next seven seconds starts now - images irrelevant to the ball being bowled would appear, there would be pressure for space in his box and the risk of an inappopriately excited lunge at the ball would rise exponentially. 

Now that he is required to think of sex only every 2 hours, whole innings could go by without the previous pressures.  Indeed FB's whole time at the crease in the coming season could be uninterrupted by thoughts of Ms Poonam Pandey's gifts to cricket.   This is a vast expanse of new thinking time which must be put to solving the world's problems.

Here therefore is FB's revised daily thinking schedule:

Thinking regime

Waking up
It can’t be time to get up already - barely got to sleep.  
Do grannies really knit Shreddies?  Of course they do……… and now we have John Arlott in commentary for the rest of the session's play…..
Bus to work

 ………And through the long room and down the pavilion steps comes Fantasy Bob to face the Australian bowling with their tails up just having got rid of Boycott, Gower and Hobbs in rapid succession.  What can FB do?……….. 
Mandatory sex thought period 1
Do buses always have this effect on you – is this something to worry about?
Work phase 1
The system could not you on.  ……...and Warne bowls to Fantasy Bob, that’s short and it’s his 50 – chanceless…Delivery Service Manager has encountered a problem and requires to close
Mandatory sex thought period 2
Triggered by photo of Poonam Pandey in newspaper on desk – 10 second duration.
Work phase 2
Internet explorer cannot display the web page………FB is now having to defend as McGrath’s accuracy pins him down – patience is necessary here if he’s not going to waste his good start……..Do you wish to send error report?
Mandatory sex thought period 3
Triggered – if that is the correct word - by 28th viagra and penis extension offer coming into in-box this morning
Your mail box has now exceeded its capacity and you will be unable to send any messages……….and Lee bowls to Fantasy Bob who is down the wicket – Lee looks over his head – six – that was a fantastic shot….and the players leave the field for lunch…Do you wish to send error report?
Optional sex thought period
Declined…(in the nineties for goodness sake no time for distractions)
Work phase 3
Finish 100 page document and press save  ….and that’s FB’s 100, chopped to the boundary as the crown rise to their feet………what an innings…..**** why the **** has the screen frozen completely - now its gone blank.
Mandatory sex thought period 4
Postponed in favour of cursing Microsoft roundly and hitting computer screen with shoe
Leaving work
and that’s stumps and FB will come back tomorrow…..
Bus journey home
Missed bus stop – late for dinner which is fed to dog.
Watching Newsnight
Asleep – dreaming of century scored at Lords on Test debut followed by five-fer until rudely awoken on hattrick ball by dogs barking outside – apparently this is mandatory sex thought period for dogs
Mandatory sex thought period 5
Too tired - drink Ovaltine instead
Awake – too much to think about


  1. The Ovaltine is a bit of a giveaway here - perhaps the blue pill might come in handy after all?

  2. FB, do you have access to similar research on how often women think of sex?

    Why is 'recent research' always funded to confirm common knowledge and/or on the wrong focus group.

    In my field of interest any information you can provide on the thought processes of the opposite sex is of vital importance.

  3. Silly Point - after due reflection FB will stick with the Ovaltine.

    Golandaaz - FB understands your desperation for enlightenment but cannot be of much help. He has generally found it easier to face leg spin bowling than to understand the fairer sex's thoght processes. And if you'd seen him face leg spin bowling..................