Saturday, 16 April 2011


Digging the dirt on FB
Like many other celebrities, Fantasy Bob feels violated by the phone hacking scandal perpetrated by elements of the Murdoch press.  He is waiting for his apology and possibly a significant cheque in compensation for the trauma and anguish caused him by the affair.  However so his readers are not unduly disturbed by future sensationalist reporting he makes here a clean breast of his voicemail messages over recent weeks.
  • Hi Bob my dear - can you remember to get milk on your way home?
  • You have reached the voice mail of Poonam Pandey.  I am unable to take your call please leave a message after the tone.
  • Oh and some bread.
  • Mr Fantasy Bob this is Poonam Pandey returning your call.  Please stop phoning me. My offer to strip for the Indian Cricket Team if they won the World Cup was a one off, so I am unable to accept your kind offer to be motivator in chief to your Carlton 4th XI by, as you put it, getting my kit off.
  • Sorry forgot, we need some sugar too. 
  • Hi Bob – Mark Ramprakash here – disappointed you’re not going to make the charity 6s this year – our innings together in 2009 was the highlight of my season.
  • Mr Fantasy Bob.  I have asked you to stop phoning.  I do realise the seriousness of your offer but unless you have Tendulkar and Dhoni in your side, my kit stays on. 
  • Hi – is this Fantastic Bob? Sachin here – no I’m sorry I can’t play for Carlton 4s this weekend. 
  • Don’t forget the milk and while you’re in the shop could you see if I left my gloves there yesterday – you know the blue kid skin ones.
  • Sachin again – yes, next weekend could be possible.  But MS says he’s painting the kitchen so he can’t make it.
  • What do you mean you used my blue kid skin gloves as inners at nets last night!
  • Mr Fantasy Bob.  I must ask you yet again to stop phoning me every ten minutes.  Yes I realise that Carlton's teas are legendary and it makes no difference if you did let me keep my bikini on.  Please stop phoning.
  • Did I ask you to remember milk........oh and some apples would be useful too.
  • Hey Bob man - howya doin' - Chris Gayle here man - I ain't playin' in the T20 man - so you got a game for me sometime in your all star fours?  That would be real cool.
  • Mr Fantasy Bob.  Now it's got beyond a joke.  It was bad enough having you phoning every 10 minutes but now you have your doughty groundsman Magnus Moon phoning too.  I am not interested in a session with the scarifier.
  • Hey Bob man - this is Chris again man.  Your woman say she need milk.
  • Bob - Magnus here. Are you sure you gave me the right number, some daft female answered denying she knew anything about fixing the scarifier.
  • Hello.  This is Ms Poonam Pandey's legal advisor.  My client has asked me to let you know she has successfully taken out an injunction which prevents Mr Fantasy Bob and Mr Magnus Moon from attempting to have any contact with my client.  Penalties for failing to obey this injunction are severe.
  • Bob - Sachin here again - just heard that Poonam's not joining the team next weekend.  Sorry - I'm afraid I can't make it either.
  • You will remember the milk won't you.

Not coming to Carlton after all



  1. The NOTW will be disappointed to have been denied such a memorable scoop. I am also relieved that Ms Pandey won't be joining Carlton this season - the effect on the team's concentration would be deleterious to say the least.

  2. FB begs to differ - this would be the type of distraction that would take them to supreme levels of achievement.

  3. I'm with you FB......does Ms Pandey understand that your insistence to get her out of her kit is purely to ensure compliance with Gilly's new Carlton "playing & training clothing policy"? If she was to set a precendent by showing up to nets in a bikini(God Forbid) I'd be worried Magnus will see it as a loophole and an opportunity to reinstigate the speedo's. Maybe in that new light she will reconsider?

  4. Barnacle - FB thinks that his relationsheip with Ms Pandey is at a low ebb and she will not see the merits of this suggestion. He would be pleased if you could make the proposition direct.

  5. If Ms Pandey is not playing ball, so to speak, perhaps FB might approach Freida Pinto instead.

  6. FB is confident that there will be a long queue of eligible candidates to take up the offer spurned by Ms Pandey.