The Numbers Game

Fantasy Bob has been following the controversy over the Government's testing target with mild interest.  What exactly was the 100,000 target in the first place?  Does a test in the post count as a test given?  Can the same test be counted twice?  Are retests tests?  Is Hancock a hero or a dissembler?  (And how did Tony Hancock come to be involved in all this anyway?) Will all this self-congratulation and posturing make any difference to the number of people dying in the UK?

Sir - are you available tomorrow?

It is troubling.  FB acknowledges that 100,000 is a big number.  However, at this time of year he would have expected to have been fixated on what might appear a smaller number but it is in reality a hugely bigger number.

FB's cricket club, go-ahead Edinburgh outfit Carlton, is, to the best of FB's knowledge, the only cricket club in Scotland, and possibly the UK, to field 5 senior teams on a Saturday.

For reasons that escape him, it falls to FB to populate these teams week in, week out.  He is therefore in a unique position in world cricket, as the only person having to find 55 living, breathing cricketers every week.  Some weeks during the season 55 seems to him a considerably bigger number than 100,000.

And, in the light of the current controversy, readers should be clear that cricketers in the post cannot count towards this total. Nor can cricketers being delivered by Amazon.  Cricketers recricketed cannot be counted. Only cricketers who turn up to the appointed ground at the appointed hour.

But make no mistake, in pursuing this target while he cannot change what counts as a cricket team, FB is as ruthless as Hancock, Tony or any other of that tribe.  The aged and infirm are dragged from their sick beds; the young grasped from their mothers' breast. Queues at IKEA are stripped. There is no discrimation on gender, religion or a person's views on the symphonies of Mahler.  If FB has only 54 players on the slate, and you come into his viewfinder, you had better have a good excuse.  Telling him you will be delivered next day sometime between 12 and 3 by Amazon is not good enough.

It cannot be said that FB regards his task with unalloyed joy at all times.  Friday nights have been locked down for him well before it has come the current fashion. There have been weeks when the unavailable column goes off the edge of FB's spreadsheet as players quite unreasonably decide to take holidays, or study for exams, or go to far-flung music festivals or consider that their broken ankle is a valid excuse, or say that they will be delivered by Amazon.  See how Hancock would cope with this.

And yet, what FB would not give to have been subject to these vexations again this week rather than sitting locked-down, cricketless and assailed by fractious squabbles over statistic machinations.

Pride and Prejudice in Lockdown

Many years ago Fantasy Bob reported how the true version of  Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice had a cricketing theme which had been removed by its editor prior to publication.  A further excerpt from the original manuscript has now been discovered which indicates a remarkable prescience of the current situation on Ms Austen's part.

Mr Bennet had not found the days of lockdown fully to his taste.  He was not ill-disposed to maintaining social distance in itself; indeed, he took it as an endorsement of his own sound practice made habitual by the long hours he spent in his study in solitary endeavour.  Nor, when he considered it carefully, did he find less than sufficient exercise the single permitted daily excursion, be it in the form of a gentle walk around the orchard or a more energetic ambulation owards the village of Meryton.  But he was greatly troubled by the implications of the constrained conditions for his role as coach of the Meryton Cricket Club.  As he looked up from the edifying volume on his lap, he could gaze from his study window to see the nets lying empty as practice has been cancelled sine die.  Beyond them, the square lay closely cut with the promise of runs but unmarked, unused and unregarded.

'And to think', he lamented to Mrs Bennet, as they sat together in the front parlour, 'that this weekend should have seen the annual fixture between Meryton and Netherfield.'

'Mr Bennet!' exclaimed his spouse.  'You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion as to my poor nerves.  Have I to remind you that you have five daughters, all unmarried and with the constraints of this lockdown no gentlemen can come close.  I do think we are the most unfortunate family in all the county. And yet all you can think of is cricket.  I say fie on your cricket - what I would not give for a ball at Netherfield.'

'Why Mrs Bennet, you do me a disservice. Your daughters once had nothing much to recommend them, being silly and ignorant like any other girls.  But they have all made significant progress by being in my performance squad, even poor Mary.  And Lizzie, who has always had something more about her, has turned into a most accomplished all rounder - she has the most elegant cover drive.'  

'And what good will an elegant cover drive do her, I ask you. A girl like Lizzie needs a husband with four thousand a year.'

But Mr Bennet's attention was elsewhere. 'And I felt so sure that this year the team could lift the trophy.  Even though I had heard that Mr Bingley had invited his friend Mr D'Arcy to turn out.'

Hearing this name uttered in her parlour, drove Mrs Bennet to further agony,  'You vex me further, Mr Bennet. I cannot hear that name and maintain my silence. He is such a disagreeable man that it would have been unfortunate to have been liked by him.'

'That may be so my dear, but he is a fine bat, if inclined to give it the charge before he is properly set.'

As his spouse prepared her response to this sentiment, the couple's further endearments were interrupted when their daughters burst excitedly into the room.  They had used their statutory exercise period for some cricket practice.

'Papa, you'll never guess!' squealed Jane, usually so demure and sensible. 'I just ramped Lydia for 6.'

'Did you my dear?' said her father, suppressing the pride in his voice in due consideration of the nerves of his espoused.

'Oh!  I so wish we had that match with Netherfield on Saturday, for I'd do the same to Mr Bingley.'

At the mention of Mr Bingley, a loud sob broke from Mrs Bennet as her nerves threatened once again to overwhelm her. 

'Nobody can tell what I suffer!  But it is always so.  Those who do not complain are never pitied.'

A careworn sigh escaped the lips of Mr Bennet, as it had on many previous occasions.  He smiled kindly at his distressed partner, confident that sooner or later she would recover her composure.  He turned to his favourite daughter having noticed that her eye shone with that characterically pretty twinkle.

'And Lizzie, what are you thinking, my child?' he asked.

'Well Papa, it is indeed a matter of great regret that our match cannot proceed on Saturday.  For I had it firmly in mind to tempt Mr D'Arcy with my doosra.'

Restarting Sport

It would appear that Fantasy Bob's intelligence gathering has failed him - the apparent suggestion in his post of 2 days ago that the Hundred would proceed was Fake News.  The powers-that-be have announced today that it will not go ahead this season at all.  The statement does not say that FB's intervention was the deciding factor.  Mind you, neither does it say that it wasn't. 

Whether any cricket will proceed is a matter of continuing discussion.  FB notes that the Government has convened a committee to consider how sport might be safely restarted.  The focus seems to be on high level events and how they could be organised behind close doors with rigorous testing regimes.  For himself FB has not felt the absence of football a particular hardship, indeed it is one of the great benefits of lockdown, and he would view the re-emergence of the game in the summer months with some concern.  Would it ever depart in future summers and what would that mean for cricket?  But beyond the elite level, there seems little consideration as to how lower level sport could restart and that presents all manner of challenges. These are issues for greater minds than FB's to ponder.

FB notes that some consideration is being given as to whether golf might be released from the strict controls.  This does not surprise him.  For his experience of golf is that it conforms to all the requirements of social distance. 

At one time FB was keen on golf and used to play a few holes by himself of a morning or an evening and these were fully compliant with social distance rules.  Face covering would of course have added an extra level of safety but was not strictly necessary.  Even when companions were misguided enough to play with him, these rules were not at risk of being infringed.  The average fairway is perhaps 60 yards wide.  Since FB's  invariably proceeded up the rough on the far side of the fairway next to the fairway that he should be playing on, this means that he was well beyond the strict 2 metre criterion.  Indeed most of FB's golfing time was spent in the wilderness of the deep rough where he could safely stay for days without encountering even at 2 metre distance another human being.  Even face covering was superfluous.

FB recalls one tournament he played in when he topped the ball which skimmed at 6 inches above ground to hit the tee box at the forward tee and ended up 10 yards behind his starting position.  Thus he walked in precisely the opposite direction to his companions.  Social distance prevailed, since his playing partners were not keen to let him catch up. 

But this is not the most embarrassing of FB's many embarrassments on the golf course.  Many years ago when still a student in Aberdeen he got it into his head that he would play golf.  There is no explanation for this.  So he ransacked the cupboards and found a set of clubs of various ages including a couple with hickory shafts and an old canvas bag.  Duly armed, he made his way to Hazlehead Golf Course, paid his dues and took his place in the queue at the first tee. 

As was golfing fashion in those days his co-waiters had brightly checked trousers of various luminous colours.  FB was dowdiness itself.   They might have guessed what was coming.  His turn came.  He placed his ball carefully.  Looked up the fairway to the distant flag.  Waggled his club like he'd seen them do on the TV.  Took what he was sure was a graceful and athletic swing.  Looking up, he could not see his ball flying unerringly to the green.  Looking down, he was surprised to see it unmoved.  He'd missed.  There was a slight sucking of teeth from the other golfers behind.  FB smiled ruefully (there being no other way to smile in such circumstances).  He went through his routine again.  Looking up....well you know that bit.  Looking down, that bit too.  He'd missed again.  The sucking of teeth was louder.  FB's smile went up a notch in the ruefulness scale.  A third attempt - which FB thinks in retrospect might have been his most elegant swing.  But it produced the same result.   A voice from behind him said, 'Keep goin' loon - ye wis quite near it that time.....'  If only face covering had been available in those bygone years.

Masks and Scarves

The recommendation that face coverings should be worn on shopping trips where social distancing is difficult has caused some distress in Fantasy Bob's household.

Mrs FB has examined the guidance with her typical forensic attention and has noted that face covering is not to be interpreted as a mask.  Scarves are suggested as a viable alternative. This has caused her some concern.  Mrs FB has a collection of scarves of the highest quality.  These are not your woolly muffler type things, but high fashion accessories in the finest silk.  The name Hermes crops up repeatedly.

Hermes - La Folle Parade scarf

The Hermes scarf  (to quote an authoritative source) 'has proven its power to transcend age and to appeal to a diverse range of wearers. Famously adopted by icons from Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn to Queen Elizabeth II, Madonna and Mrs FB, the scarf provides the wearer the versatility to adapt to any style and situation.'

This might be an indication that the manufacturers would consider it a suitable aid to the fighting of COVID.  But Mrs FB is not convinced and was anxious enough on this point to have sought FB's opinion.

'Don't you think that popping in for a pint of milk with a Hermes scarf on might be overdressing?'  she asked.

Overdressing is not a concept with which FB is overly familiar, his understanding being limited to whether one or two sweaters would be appropriate to the climactic conditions.  So he wasn't able to offer much by way of help.  He mumbled as much.  This did not endear him to his life partner who, amidst speculation as to why she had bothered, suggested that his response simply confirmed a long track record of general uselessness on questions of fashion and probably most other things while she was at it. 

As silence resumed, FB returned to his own worries.  He too has examined the guidance and has noted that there is nothing said as to how this new requirement will apply to cricketers.  He is sure that expert guidance will be forthcoming. He is sure the science will be followed.  But for now  Clarity is in short supply on what appears to him the most pressing issue. What are the implications of face coverings for the cricket tea?

It is time the SAGE committee donned its facial coverings and addressed this vital issue.

Coloratura

Fantasy Bob recognises that he should be using his evenings wisely.  Current circumstances preclude further honing his world famous in-swinger beyond its present state of perfection. 

He should therefore making the most of time by for example studying Wisden to improve his uncertain understanding of the roots of the game.  This would, after all, be an investment worth making - it would add considerably to his allure as and when the authorities allow dinner parties to recommence (whether under an adaptation of physically distancing rules or free-form).  Even as it is, there are times when Mrs FB has had to beg him to cease his fascinating discourse on such matters as Bapu Nadkarni's record 21 consecutive maiden overs simply because the company found it just too entertaining - at least that's what he thinks she said.  But with a little applied study he is sure he could find more conversational gold to fascinate.

FB was therefore a little surprised when Mrs FB tore the yellow volume from his grasp and bade him enjoy the live streaming by the Metropolitan Opera of Rossini's La Cenerentola.  This may be a very entertaining retelling of the Cinderella story but there was little of interest to the cricketer in it, as far as FB could see.

But what there is is coloratura singing of the highest order - and lots of it.  This is singing with highly elaborate ornamentation.  Its cricketing equivalent might possibly be an innings by AB deVilliers where ramps, scoops and reverse sweeps dazzle and delight.  Or a spell by Shane Warne where anything can happen.

Here then is the AB deVilliers of the Met, the wonderful Ms Joyce diDonato in the very final aria from La Cenerentola.

Superb.  How much net practice did it take her to be able to do that?

Easing Lockdown

As attention turns to how the lockdown might be eased, discussions are taking place on how to restart cricket.  The well advertised security weaknesses of Zoom mean that Fantasy Bob was able to listen into the ECB's recent deliberations.

OK chaps that's it then, no cricket until July at the earliest.

Perfect.

And all matches will be behind closed doors.

Excellent.  Is it gin o'clock yet?

But we are agreed that the most important thing is to save the Hundred.

The Hundred yes!  We must have the Hundred!

[A chant of Hundred, Hundred, Hundred breaks out].

We've just about got the rules sorted out.

And we've hired the dancing girls.

Yes, we must have the Hundred.

It's going to bring the crowds back.

Er......I thought you said matches had to be behind closed doors.

[There is an extended silence]

Must be gin o'clock by now.

Look, chaps, I have a text here from someone asking what we are doing about the County Championship.

The what?

The County Championship.  You know when the counties play each other for days.

Why would they do that?

I suppose they can't think of anything else to do.

Haven't we told them about the Hundred?  Maybe they could join that.

No, no.  We've got the franchises for that.

I didn't think the Frenchies played cricket.

Franchises, not Frenchies. Anyway, about this County Championship thingy.  Apparently it takes ages and this chappie says that since the winter usually starts in August, we should be thinking of getting the matches played abroad.

Excellent.  I was rather hoping for a couple of weeks in Tuscany.

A Photograph

Approaching 2 trillion photographs are estimated to be taken each year.  It may be that current restrictions will reduce that number this year, as hordes of tourists will no longer stampede through museums madly snapping everything in front of them.  But images of cats and dogs doing lovable things probably will make up much of that number.  Shots of cricketers practicing in inappropriate locations are also on the rise.

In this context, it is hard to imagine that at one time the average lower league cricketer could go through his or her entire career without so much as a Kodak Instamatic being pointed in their direction.  They might feature in that once in a season team shot, proudly standing in the back row, arms folded, cap askew and face mostly obscured by the player in front.  But that is it.  Action shots were confined to the pros.

So, as the rigours of lockdown forced him into some overdue spring cleaning, Fantasy Bob was charmed to discover the photo above - it is the only pre-digital image of him in action (to stretch the meaning of the word to its limits). 

It shows him in pre-delivery stride in an evening match some time in the early 1990s.  He is playing for SHHD (Scottish Home and Health Department) against Edinburgh University Staff at Peffermill.  FB turned out for SHHD week in week out for many years.  He is one of a handful who achieved the double for the club - 1000 runs and 100 wickets.  Loyal readers will realise that at his slow rate of success he must have turned out for many many years to accumulate such figures.

At that time, there were several teams affiliated to various parts of the civil service, including DAFS (now amalgamated with Murrayfield), RBG and the Forestry Commission.  Not all who played had residential qualifications for the teams and ringers were regularly encountered. Rivalries were strong and the Civil Service Sports Ground at Muirhouse had two grass wickets.  But every Thursday during the season - and some other days too, there were fixtures.  Good times.

To his shame, FB does not know if SHHD CC is still in existence - things were changing even then. If FB recalls correctly, the photo was taken for an article in the office newsletter inviting new members.  It is not clear who bears responsibility for thinking that an image of FB was likely to do anything for recruitment.  The files may never be opened.  Clearly it had limited impact.  Shortly after this photo was taken FB could be found turning out of an evening for Currie and Balerno CC.   His association with Carlton was still some years away - it took them sometime to accumulate the cash for the transer fee. 

Edinburgh University Staff CC continue to play and were it not for current restrictions, FB would expect to be playing against them this season.

Cricket is no longer played on that part of Peffermill, which is now a 3G rugby and football pitch.  At that time there were two high quality squares at Peffermill.  Rumours abound that  the remaining cricket pitch will no longer be available, as the University seeks more lucrative activities. Another cricket venue lost. They may be richer, but we are all poorer.