Monday, 15 July 2013

Drug Test Drama

As sprinters Asafa Powell and Tyson Gay were discovered to have failed recent drugs tests, officials at go ahead Edinburgh cricket club Carlton defended Fourth XI skipper Fantasy Bob from similar allegations.

Powell and Gay in the race to the drug dealer
Commentators have been quick to point out that Fantasy Bob's achievement of scoring 51* at the weekend was unnatural, some have even suggested inhuman, and there has been intense speculation that FB must have been on a prolonged course of performance enhancing substances.

However world leading scientists from the world leading performance science laboratory of the go ahead club denied these allegations saying said,

'We have long established the nutritional benefits of the empire biscuits in a world leading set of tests.  For the highly trained athlete such as Fantasy Bob the impacts on performance can be significant.  However authorities have not so far deemed the empire biscuit an illegal substance and athletes are entitled to consume them freely.  FB makes sure he includes a number as part of his gruelling training regime.  Particularly the cinnamon flavoured ones from Goodfellow and Stevens.  In any case our sampling shows that FB did not have an unusually high concentration of empire biscuits immediately before his world leading innings - unusually high for him that is.'

Illegal performance enhancing substance - or not?
East of Scotland Cricket Association officials are  expected to respond shortly to calls that the empire biscuit should be put on the list of proscribed substances.  They are also considering whether an emergency procedure for random empire biscuit testing is required at future 8th Division fixtures.


  1. Although this week's sporting press has featured endless coverage of Ashton Agar's innings, Jimmy Anderson's 10-wicket haul and the tight finish to the first Ashes Test, I have found no mention of FB's sensational knock. What is the British media coming to?

    1. Indeed it is shameful. An inquiry is needed.