Thursday, 23 February 2012

The Carlton Affair

 leaves after delivering his letter
Senior figures at Edinburgh's go-ahead cricket club Carlton have released the text of a letter they received this week.

 It is understood to have been sent via his lawyer by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who has been helping police with their enquiries over allegations of sex rings in France.
Dear Go-ahead Carlton Cricket Club,
I am tres tres sorry that this messy petite business in France has been dubbed the Carlton affair and may have inadvertantly caused the great name of your go-ahead club to be questioned by unscrupulous media hacks.  It is, how you say, a cock-up - an unfortunate phrase in the circumstances.  Some hotel here named itself in honour of your club hoping to emulate your go-aheadness (epic fail IMHO).
I acknowledge that I have had no association with your go-ahead club and have never played for you - not even for Fantasy Bob's All Star 4th XI which surely needs a little vroom-vroom such as I could give it. Nor have I been to any orgies in your well appointed Grange Loan ground, although if you are planning to organise any in future I would be happy to offer advice as to how to ensure they go with a swing.
I also would like to make clear that when I said a person would find it difficult to tell the difference between a naked cricketer and any other naked person, I had never seen Fantasy Bob emerging from the shower after a long afternoon bowling up the hill against the wind.  
With best wishes for the coming season
PS please send autographed photo of your ever popular skipper Fraggle Watts, the girls here keep asking after him.
On hearing of the letter, Carlton's Doughty (but nameless) Groundsman expressed his disappointment that Mr Strauss-Kahn had been overlooked for the position of social convenor at the club.


  1. He who must not be named tells me that, while he acknowledges his disappointment at the failure to appoint Mr Strauss-Kahn, he is relieved to learn that the so-called "Carlton Affair" has nothing to do with the club. He was concerned at the suggestion concerning that affair of misuse of corporate funds, and at the possibility that rights to future spectator income had been sold and the proceeds misappropriated. That could have compromised the supply of fuel for the heavy roller.

  2. The rights to future spectator income at Grange Loan would be a tidy sum which could keep FB in biscuits for a fortnight and leave something for the heavy roller too. But is the unnamed one suggesting that Strauss-Kahn is implicated in the Ibrox fiasco too?

    1. No. Though maybe he would have made a better job of it - as well as improving the talent on show at Ibrox.

      He who must not be named now accepts that the "Carlton Affair" has nothing to do with the Club; but he feels that the purported letter from Strauss-Kahn must be a forgery since Strauss-Kahn would never describe his opinion - or indeed anything else about him - as humble.

  3. There is no question of forgery. FB understands that when Strauss-Kahn uses term IMHO he means it in the in my high opinion version.