Wednesday, 18 April 2012


The ceilings in Fantasy Bob's modest domestic premises do not want for visual inspection.  Many times the eyes of Mrs FB are raised to those ceilings in response to FB's excited descriptions of success or failure on the cricket field. Admittedly, there is more of the latter than the former, but the ceiling gets the same treatment.  Mrs FB is surely the model for Kipling's celebrated poem If - for she will, on these occasions, meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two Impostors just the same.

New pads for FB
So it was the other evening when FB returned breathless from cricket practice.  Not that that in itself denotes anything, even thinking about practice leaves him breathless.  But when he excitedly confessed to his true love that he had just purchased a new pair of cricket pads, the ceiling got it.  Both barrels.

After a few moments, various observations followed.  FB was sure he imagined  the suggestion that at his age perhaps incontinence pads might have been a more worthwhile purchase.  Nor did he think there was justice in the complaint that this now meant that there were at least 3 pairs of cricket pads cluttering the house up, to which had to be added at the last count 5 cricket bats and goodness knows how many bags, gloves, helmets and other things.  Mrs FB was about to go on to list the growing collection of rugby boots, but FB was able successfully to divert this thrust by pointing out that these were all the property of son and heir whose skill in placing them exactly where Mrs FB is likely to put her feet when she comes down stairs in the morning has reached Olympic class.  Mrs FB's last thrust was to point out that the Scouts' jumble sale was last week and might FB not have thought of unloading some of this jumble then.  FB had to sit down for several long minutes on hearing these valuable items described as jumble.

The mood lightened as Mrs FB expressed the hope that the new pads were a nice colour - maybe gold like that Chris Gayle chap wears.  FB let her down lightly by saying that he had not been picked up in the IPL auction this year and so was not on the Royal Challengers Bangalore roster.  He quickly pointed out that this was no disgrace since the likes of Jimmy Anderson and Graeme Swann had also been overlooked in the auction.  Mrs FB remained sceptical.

FB is confident that Mrs FB will come round and come to love these pads as her own.  Champagne may be necessary to assist this reconciliation.  But FB reckons further outlay will be worth it. His pads are a new Scottish brand who have recently entered the market. They will transform FB's game. He was assured by the salesman that these pads have been treated with a special anti-LBW coating.  Wearing them that dismissal will be a thing of the past for FB.

That's how special they are.....................meanwhile he understands that the ceiling needs painting.


  1. Intelligent pads might be the way to go in the future - oh wait a minute, Apple have already invented those. As far as FB's problems with the Mrs are concerned, the only solution, I fear, might be the bachelor pad.

    1. Your fear is misplaced. Mrs FB thinks FB would have been unwise to resist the unique anti-LBW coating.