Cancel Culture

Fantasy Bob has been reading much in the media about cancel culture.  If he understands correctly it is the intention of the UK Government to cancel cancel culture.  This move has been criticised as a perpetuation of a divisive culture war.  Critics also say that it a tactical distraction from all manner of difficulties to which the Government would prefer no attention to be drawn.  Presumably this refers to the sorry performance of English batsman during the second test at Chennai.  But not exclusively.

FB shares those concerns.  Furthermore from the point of view of the lower league cricketer, FB has to say that the Government has got it wholly wrong.  In the lower leagues there is not enough cancel culture.  

Lower league cricketers are compelled to turn up at the appointed hour, even as the heavens pour down; even as the clouds darken further; even as the playing surface disappears under the deluge.  They will stand in a bedraggled group at the boundary.  They will utter the immortal phrase, 'We'll just give it another half-hour.'  

The half hour having passed, they will look up again and repeat the mantra, 'We'll just give it another half-hour.'  As if the rain gods in whatever dry fastness of an Olympus they inhabit these days are likely to respond.  

Players used to look at the clouds seeking with their naked weather eye a lighter patch amid the all embracing greyness.  Now, they consult all manner of weather radar to monitor the minute movements of weather fronts and pepper the audience with spurious meteorological exactitude.  'It'll be down to 90% probability of rain in 30 minutes.'  An excited murmur will pass through the group.  This is hugely significant.  For the lower league cricketer that 10% is notably nearer certainty than the 90%.  

'We can take tea early.'  The juniors distracted so far by and endless series of one-hand-one-bounce perk up.  The true believers consider this another another invocation which is bound to appease the rain gods.  For classical mythology tells us that they do not disfavour mortals whose bellies are filled with egg and cress sandwiches and Mr Kipling's Cherry Bakewells.

'It's down to 85% now.'  Optimism spreads through the company.  'We could reduce the overs.'  At this point, as the evening nears, all hope of common sense is lost.

Not that there was very much at the outset.  For the common sense response would have been to look out the window many hours ago, feign disappointment and cancel.  

And that's the problem - notwithstanding the enthusiastic baying of Government supporters, there is, quite simply, not enough cancel culture.  

Headbands

Fantasy Bob found much to agonise about during England's demolition by India in the Second Test at Chennai.  He was at times beside himself with despair.  Not at the quality of the pitch, which seemed tranquil compared to some of the surfaces lower league players have to contend with.  Nor the questionable nature of some the umpiring decisions - never an issue for a lower league player.  Nor the death wish apparent in English batsmen's attachment to the sweep shot - which just proves the wisdom of FB's career long aversion to the shot. 

A rational mind could deal with all these difficulties.  But even the most advanced thinker would have difficulty at the resurgence of one of the scourges of the first lockdown - Test cricketers wearing head-bands.  Why, oh why? Fantasy Bob has to assume it was a fashion statement since it served no ostensible other purpose - except in the case of Rory Burns, who needs all the help he can get in hiding his haircut.  Leaving Burns aside, as the selectors are likely to do soon, it was when sensible men like Joe Root also affected this fashion item that all hope seemed lost.  

FB was therefore relieved that the First Test at Chennai suggested that the ICC managed a clamp down to outlaw the ridiculous garb since he saw no evidence of it.  But his tranquillity was seriously disturbed when as he went to open the bowling on Saturday, Stuart Broad removed his sunhat to reveal a return to the worst excesses of the lockdown.  Of course it had to be Stuart Broad, but that is another matter.

FB acknowledges that some time ago big time cricketers such as Desmond Haynes and Dennis Lillee were headband devotees.  He never understood why - at least they were towelling and might have served some sweat related purpose.  But even so headbands have never convinced in cricket. And the item worn by Broad appears to a hankie folded up and tied at the back of his head.  It is not even a sporting type of headband.  

There are serious headband wearers in many walks of life.  Rugby players, tennis players and even musicians, though concert pianists have yet to find them of use.   But FB will go to the grave firm in his view that the headband is not for cricket.  And if Stuart Broad were here he'd tell him so.

Authority

The AGM of Handforth CC was proceeding peacefully.  The President called the Convenor of the Teas Committee to report.   Immediately a rumble of dissent in the background was heard.

- Since when did we have a Teas Committee?  And if we do have one, who's the Convenor anyway?

- I am.

- No you're not - you're the President of the Club.

- Well, I declare that I am the Convenor of the Tea Committee.

- You can't do that.  I've done the teas for years.

Other voices are raised.

- Yes, Bill's done the teas for years.

 A calmer voice tries to restore order.

- There is no way of stopping him from calling himself Convenor.  Please refer to me as Britney Spears from now on.

A moment of silence follows. More voices are raised, louder than before.  The first voice speaks again, angrier than before.

- Read the Standing Orders - read them and understand them. They don't say anything about a Teas Committee.

- Precisely.  That is why I am the Convenor.

Voices are raised again. 

- As Convenor, I move we do something about the sausage rolls.    

- Why?  I've been bringing them for years, you've never complained before.

- We didn't have a Tea Convenor before. 

- What's it got to do with you Britney Spears?

The background noise is becoming louder.

- I move we have quiche instead, and  Jackie here's got some ideas.

- Red onion, Broccoli, Goat Cheese...

           The noise becomes lounder still.   

           Some words can be picked out of the hubbub.

           - Outrageous! You must be joking! No, no, NOOOO!

           - What's wrong ?

An angry voice bellows.

- You have no asparagus here, Jackie Weaver, no asparagus at all....

Meeting falls into disorder and goes viral via Twitter and YouTube.  

Sweep

Tomorrow will see Joe Root become the 15th cricketer to play 100 Tests for England.   Fantasy Bob sends Joe his warmest congratulations.  This is just what Joe has been waiting for and will make all the difference to his performance.  

Equally good news is that locked down cricket fan will be able to see the match on Channel 4 as live cricket comes back to free to air TV.  It is the natural order of things.  If only other areas in these fraught times could also revert to how things should be in similar fashion.

Remarkably all 15 players to have reached this milestone have done so during FB's life time.  This is either a measure of FB's longevity or an indication that these years have seen an acceleration in the number of Tests played.  Or perhaps both.

The first player to reach the ton was Colin Cowdrey.  He did so in the 3rd Ashes Test of the 1968 season, played at Birmingham.  He scored a century - his only significant score in the series in a drawn match.  The series was also drawn, meanign Australia retained the Ashes.

Eight other players have scored 100 in their 100th Test.  These include one other English batsman - Alex Stewart, who did it against West Indies at Manchester in 2000.  It would be fitting if Root could become the third Englishman to do so.  He is in a rich vein of form so he has a great chance.  If he does so it is likely that he will sweep his way there.  FB read recently that in the last 18 months Root has scored 300 runs from the sweep for once out.   In the two recent Tests in Sri Lanka, Root scored 134 of his 426 runs with his sweep  more runs  than any other English batsman except Jonny Bairstow managed in total.

This is the kind of statistic that boggles FB's mind.  For he has thought hard about the sweep.  He has it from the philosophic, the socio-economic, the aesthetic, even the political point of view.  There may be nothing he does not know about the shot.  Other than how on earth to play it.   There have been rare occasions when his natural exuberance has overcome his characteristic common sense and he has attempted the shot.  There was no happy ending.  Bat and ball remained distant strangers.  FB invariably ended up in a tangled heap on the crease.  To score one run from the shot therefore seems unlikely - to score 300 is simply unnatural.

So all in all this is what Sweep really means to FB: