D&L 2

KP celebrating
the new statistical method

The Duckworth Lewis method of calculating target scores in weather interrupted matches is firmly established at all levels of cricket and highly popular with statisticians and anorak wearers the world over.  Even Fantasy Bob has celebrated its virtues and its little known origins in popular entertainment. However yesterday saw the unveiling in the UAE of a new addition to the statistical armoury - the Duckscored and Useless method.

Under this method a team batting first who is hopeless, abject, pathetic, or has other important things to do rather than scratch around at the crease all afternoon, can nominate a score which they think would be a worthy reflection of their innate talents as the target for the team batting second.  This is known as the Lions' total.

FB is confident that the launch of this new approach will be deemed a triumphant success and the executive authorities of the East of Scotland Cricket Association and lesser authorities will be scrutinising the method closely to establish whether it is appropriate for their own use.  FB recommends that the following considerations be taken into account in devising the rules for application of the new method in Scottish leagues:

• A team deciding not to bat at all shall forfeit 50 runs from what would otherwise be considered to be the Lions' total.  Where watching football is suspected by the umpires as part or all of the reason that forfeit shall be doubled.
• Any team containing FB which is required to set a Lions' total shall be credited 50 runs above what would otherwise be the Lion's total - not because FB is a bit of a ringer with the bat (which he is) but to compensate them for his advancing ineptitude in the field and the ease batters now find in smacking his pies to the boundary.
• A team which is deemed to provide an unsatisfactory tea shall forfeit 25 runs from what would otherwise be considered to be the Lion's total.  The rules shall clearly provide that FB will be the sole arbiter of the adequacy  of the tea provided.  A team not providing empire biscuits shall forfeit an additional 10 runs for every empire biscuit that FB thinks he might have fancied that afternoon, subject to a maximum of 12.
• Any disagreement as to the Lion's total may be settled by reference to the Court of Session.  Legal aid may be available.