Broccoli

Nutrition experts at go-ahead Edinburgh cricket club Carlton have welcomed the news that a supersweet brand of broccoli has been developed on farms in Fife and is now on the market.

Hitherto broccoli has been the object of disgust to President Bush and all Carlton juniors who have rejected its evident health benefits.  Carlton skippers have therefore been reluctant to allow broccoli on the tea table since it leads to tantrums and tears.  Even senior members, who should know better, have left it on the table.  As a result malnourished sides can take the field with consequent impacts on performance.  Analysis by the club's prestigious research team has suggested that the debilitating effects of avoiding broccoli on team members is worth about 15 runs to the opposition.

The new sweeter broccoli will mean that this risk is a thing of the past.  Juniors and senior members alike will be keen to get their full share of the delicious new vegetable.  The club's nutritionists are working on guidance which will require skippers to replace unhealthy chocolate cake for equivalent amounts of broccoli.  In their new guidance they point out that 'Carlton has been associated with lashings of chocolate and cream cake for too long.  Opposition teams may see this as something to look forward to.  But a go-ahead club should take more responsibility for the health of its juniors and the waist lines of the opposition.  Superweet broccoli is the way forward.  Skippers should ensure that it takes the place of all cakes and biscuits from the next home match.'  Skippers have also been advised to avoid the temptation of covering broccoli in chocolate since this has no evident nutritional benefit.

However, in a significant concession the nutritionists accepted that when Fantasy Bob is in the team there will be an allowed quota of empire biscuits.