The Truth about Sports Products

Fantasy Bob’s dutiful attendance at net practice last night meant that he missed Panorama’s examination of the claims made by the manufacturers of sports products. Apparently scientific research suggests that the advertising claims that sports drinks or protein shakes enhance performance are questionable. Similarly, little credible evidence has been established in support of claims that certain training shoes can make their wearer run faster with less risk of injury.

These revelations come as little surprise to FB. His long experience tells him that sports products are not all they are claimed to be. He has several sets of golf clubs, none of which seem to work properly. His new cricket bat, purchased at eye watering expense and with the assistance of a 25 year mortgage, seems to have a hole where a bat might be expected to have a middle and seems incapable of scoring the prodigious amounts of runs that might have been expected from the modest claims on the manufacturer’s website. FB's new pads, have denied his expectations that once and for all that crippling fear of LBW would be banished. Indeed FB has succumbed to LBW more times this season than last – although he accepts that this may not  be attributable only to a failure on the part of his pads. The hole in his obviously defective bat may well have something to do with it. As had a failure in the understanding of geometry in his umpiring colleagues, but the decline in educational standards is at is another issue to be addressed by Panorama.

The central conclusion is clear; in most cases a glass of water, or a pint of milk will do as much for performance as any kind of fancy branded potion endorsed by Usain Bolt or Jessica Ennis. However FB understands that the programme was not comprehensive. There was one sport enhancing food that it did not examine. With good reason, for the impacts of the empire biscuit are fully substantiated by decades of extensive and meticulous research conducted by FB. That he is the only subject of this research should not undermine the results that the empire biscuit enhances performance in any discipline.

There are various assessments as to the calorific value of the empire biscuit – ranging from 230 to 370 calories per item. They are therefore essential for any bowler to complete an extended bowling spell up the hill and against the wind of the kind that skippers have required of FB since around the time that overarm actions were first accepted as legitimate.

FB’s world wide readership will be following assiduously the progress of Bradley Wiggins in the Tour de France. They will therefore know that in Wednesday’s stage of the race, which covered 197km through the Pyrenees and contained a number of hill climbs the highest of which is just below 3,000m, the cyclists are reckoned to burn about 6,000 calories. On a central estimate that is at least 20 empire biscuits. The prospect of 20 empire biscuits might well make FB consider entering the race.

The way forward for all sportsmen is clear. They must be made aware of the power of the empire biscuit.  The campaign starts now. FB is confident that Britain's Golden Girl Jessica Ennis will accept the role of principal ambassador for FB's Isotonic Protein Enhanced Empire Sports Biscuit.

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