Madonna

Madonna is at Edinburgh's Murrayfield tonight in the latest leg of her MDNA tour.  Reviews of the shows so far are mixed although they have attracted headlines for nipple showing, stripteases and misplaced swastikas. The concert is not a sell out - perhaps the Scottish audience confuses it with the Olympic football contest another set of performances that has unsold tickets.  It takes more than the prospect of a bare breast to get a crowd in Edinburgh these days.

It may not appear so at first sight, but despite the fact that Madonna's extensive back catalogue makes precious little reference to cricket as a subject, Fantasy Bob and Madonna have a lot in common.  They are both veteran artists with a world of experience and a hatful of hits behind them.  Observers at Grange Loan have often remarked on the similarity between Madonna's raunchier stage routines and FB's bowling action.  While Madonna's rhythmic pelvic thrusts leave nothing to the imagination, as FB's pelvis thrusts up the hill against the wind, everything is left to the imagination.  Indeed most spectators find it hard to imagine that he will ever manage to get to the crease let alone make any kind of delivery.

Yet despite all the years of experience between the two veterans, there are times when they really should know better. Times when they don't realise that too much water has passed under their bridge and that, despite all their efforts in the gym and with magical herbal potions, spring chickens is definitely what neither of them is.  Consequently, there are some things that they just should not contemplate.   FB cannot resist a quick single - but frequently lives to regret it.  Just as Madonna, it would seem, cannot resist baring her nipples to her audience.  She most certainly should live to regret it.

But although FB does not really regard himself as a fan of Madonna, he recognises that he has lots to learn from her.  Not in the breast bearing department or in the obsession with showing her underwear off on every possible occasion but in the the requirements she makes for her dressing room. Whereas FB makes very modest demand of the event promoters at the Grange Loan HQ of go ahead Edinburgh cricket club Carlton, requiring only that the door is open, Madge is considerably more demanding.

In emulation of her therefore FB has written to the authorities at Grange Loan asking them to ensure that for the remaining home games this season they ensure that his dressing room is festooned with  flowers cut to exactly six inches in height; that twenty international phone lines are at his disposal; that all fabrics should be perfumed with pink roses and lilies.  In addition, all furniture must be removed from the rooms and replaced with FB’s own pieces.  He expects accommodation for his 30 bodyguards and 200 person entourage including yoga instructor and vegan chef  He is still preparing his specifications in relation to empire biscuits.  It is the least he can expect given his superstar status.