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| Census report from 2001 |
There are all manner of questions about FB's ability to speak and understand English Gaelic and Scots. There are questions about his religion, his disabilities, his marital status, the number of rooms in his house, his working pattern and racial origin.
All very fine and proper, but FB turned over the pages with mounting anxiety and came to the final page 28 with the crushing realisation that that there has been a major oversight on the part of the authorities - there are no cricket questions. How this can have been overlooked is beyond him, he fears MPs may have been too busy claiming or unclaiming their expenses to notice the factors that are vital to the nation's destiny.
In a last minute and probably futile effort to repair the damage, FB therefore presents his own cricket census. Questions may be answered in English Scots or Gaelic. Jedi languages are not accepted.
Readers should print and submit with their census form to the appropriate authorities with this covering note - Please find enclosed answers to essential supplementary questions as requested by Fantasy Bob:
1. Does any member of your household possess a cricket bat?
Yes No
If you answered yes to Q 1 go to Question 2
If you answered no to Q1 all public services are hereby withdrawn from all persons at your address.
2. Is your cricket bat
A Gray Nicolls Nitro Some other piece of driftwood
3. Can you play leg spin bowling?
Yes No Only with my eyes shut
4. Have you a car large enough to take 5 juniors to an away match?
Yes No Only if you put 3 of them in the boot.
5. Which of these qualifications do you have?
Can apply the LBW law perfectly in all circumstances and in all lights.
Can apply the LBW law on the basis that every third appeal is probably out
Use the LBW law as an opportunity for personal revenge
Consider that you are above the LBW law
Think the LBW law was replaced following metrication and decimalisation.
6. Last week were you
In trouble from the start on a slow turner
Well in control until triggered by a deaf blind incompetent team mate
Struggling to get your feet moving until you creamed a half volley through the covers
Left stranded on 49 as your team mate heaved across the line
Many thanks for your cooperation.
Speaking of Jedis, I wonder if FB has any views on the possibilities of using reverse swing on the Dark Side? I believe Darth Vader tried a few over of it in The Empire Strikes Back, with limited success.
ReplyDeleteWisden is sadly silent on that series although FB understands that Vader was banned following allegations of ball tampering.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, as FB will remember, the ball-tampering affair was well documented in the little-known final episode of the Star Wars canon, The Umpire Strikes Back.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFurther to this topic, ball tampering is of course a serious offence, incurring severe penalties if proven. FB has previously alluded to the Libya v. Rest of the World series, currently under way, and this provides a fitting example of how a Home Captain can resort to illegal methods to gain unfair advantage on a slow, dry pitch.
ReplyDeleteThankyou Silly Point - regretably there are too many other skippers intent on following the Libyan ball tamperer's example.
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