Penalty ref - I mean umpire

Yes, yes even though the Rugby World Cup is underway, Fantasy Bob has found the horrors associated with Scottish football cutting across his field of visions this week.  There has been one word on everyone's lips and draped across the back pages of the newspapers all week.  Penalty!

We wuz robbed

In Scotland's match against the Czech Republic last weekend, Scotland found themselves in the unusual position of entering the final minutes of the game leading 2-1.  All self-respecting Scottish supporters are inured to this situation.  Something was bound to happen.  And it did.  A Czech player fell over for no discernible reason (as FB has previously noted, uniquely among sportsmen footballers' sense of balance seems very precarious).  The referee immediately awarded a penalty against Scotland.  The Scottish player deemed nearest the bouncing Czech (as Scottish reporters wittily described him) was immediately booked for his felony.  2-2.  A couple of minutes later a Scottish player fell over in similar circumstances.  No penalty was forthcoming but the yellow card was administered to the Scottish player in tribute to his comedy dive. 

FB has no view on these incidents which have inflamed the nation.  But they did set him thinking about the concept of penalties as they apply in cricket. 
Every cricketer knows that if the ball hits the a helmet when it does not contain the head of wicket keeper or fielder penalty runs ensue.  All wicket keepers go through the careful ritual of placing the unused helmet in a line precisely behind them, deemed the place least likely to be hit by the ball - precision is demanded and they spend many hard hours training in this essential skill.  Nevertheless it goes wrong - to Matt Prior against S Africa in January 2010.  But that is probably about the extent of most cricketers' knowledge of the penalty.

But in a sad reflection of the moral decline of the times in 2000 a range of other circumstances was described in which penalty runs are to be awarded.  In their wisdom the law makers who devised these may have had limited knowledge of lower league cricket and Fantasy Bob for some of the events

Penalty runs are awarded if a fielder fields with anything other than his person ie if he suddenly produces a baseball mit from his back pocket to take a blinding catch on the boundary - or if he uses his cap or other piece of clothing.  This suggests that if, on a very cold day, such as cricketers in Scotland rarely experience, a fielder has his sleeves drawn down to warm his hands and fields the ball in that state the penalty applies.  FB has seen cold weather cause fielders to do an anorak.  This raises another issue.  In a famous incident in a recent season a batsman was given out when the ball lodged in the pocket of the trousers of a close fielder.  FB wonders therefore what the decision should be if the ball were accidentally to lodge in the hood of the anorak.

And talking of anoraks, those wearing one while reading this nonsense will know that this fielding offence is the only instance of when penalty runs are credited to the batsman, and are not scored as extras. 

Pandey on boundary
 - 5 penalty runs

Deliberate distraction or obstruction of the batsman is also a penalty offence.   So standing at slip and letting rip in honour of the previous night's curry as the bowler's arm comes over carries a risk.  However you might get away with it - as many in the lower leagues have over the years - because if the distraction or obstruction precedes the batsman receiving the ball, the fielding team must receive a warning - it is only on the subsequent offence (presumably a testament to the strength of the curry in question)  that the penalty is incurred.  But if the offence occurs after the batter has struck the ball then the penalty is immediate.  So a shout of 'Look, there's Poonam Pandey taking her top off!' as the batter tries a quick single will incur an immediate penalty. 

But in lower league cricket there are many distractions facing the batter.  Many attempts to field the ball are of such comic quality that any audience would be transfixed.  Are these to be the subject of penalty awards?
If a fielder kicks or pushes the ball over the boundary with the objective of keeping the weaker bat on strike - that is a penalty offence.  This law has obviously been devised for different circumstances than are encountered in the lower leagues where putting a fielder, the ball and the boundary in any kind of proximity will lead more often than not to the ball being assisted in some way over the boundary.  Furthermore the  concept of a weaker batter when there are two rabbits is, to say the least, interesting and would need to be tested in the House of Lords.  Perversely, just standing watching the ball, or being wholly incompetent in fielding it, so that the batters can actually run an extra run is not a criminal offence.  This is just as well for both these approaches are standard practice in lower league cricket.

Daryll Hair awarding
penalty runs against
Pakistan for ball tampering

Finally a list of more heinous offences which can incur a penalty.  If the ball is touched by a fielder who has returned to the field without the umpire's permission; if the umpires decide that the fielding team have illegally changed the condition of the ball (see illustration of a famous instance of this), and if after being warned the fielding team damage the protected area of the pitch (itself an interesting concept in lower league cricket where all areas of the pitch are unprotected at all times - if indeed the pitch can be differentiated from the outfield) or deliberately waste time between overs.

Shocking though this list of offences is, Fantasy Bob considers it inadequate.  Left arm over the wicket bowlers should also incur penalty runs for all deliveries delivered with that wholly unsporting action.

David Shepherd
demonstrating
the penalty run signal

But it is not only the fielding side which is at risk, for batters can be penalised too.  Penalty runs are awarded for deliberately running a short run, or wasting time after having been warned or damaging the protected area of the pitch after two warnings.

Penalty runs always come in fives.  FB has never seen penalty runs awarded in any game he has played so this is something to look forward to, for, if the popular press is to be believed, the moral fabric of the nation is in tatters and it can only be a matter of time.   Even if the application of the laws above could be problematic in the lower leagues, FB feels he has a duty to address lapses in behaviour. 

The signal for penalty runs is to raise one hand gracefully to the opposite shoulder.  FB will be practising this movement hard over the winter.  Cricketers of Edinburgh, watch out next season.  Your best behaviour will be demanded.

Under the hammer

Mrs FB has just pointed out to Fantasy Bob that Liz Taylor's jewellery collection is about to go on auction at Christie's in New York.

FB was unsure as to exactly what to conclude from this information, far less the slight tremor of excitement in his loved one's voice as she imparted it.  

However he felt bound to offer in exchange, almost in thanks, for her advice, that a very rare full set of Wisden from 1864-2010 is about to go on auction at Lyon and Turnbull in Edinburgh.

He thinks that this exchange may count as a score draw.

Mondrian

This is Composition with Red Yellow and Blue by Dutch artist Piet Mondrian, one of the most celebrated artists of the 20th Century.  Mondrian developed his highly distinctive grid based style in the early 1920s.  His early work had been landscaped based but he gradually developed this defiantly abstract approach through contact with Cubism and other modern movements in Paris either side of the First World War.  He continued to paint in this style until his death in 1944 at the age of 72.  His works had more lines, or fewer lines or more or fewer squares of primary colour.  But they were all distinctively Mondrian.

What was this man trying to say, Fantasy Bob has been wondering.  What is the emotional charge that underlies these apparently emotionless works?

Fantasy Bob's studies suggest that Mondrian is a tragic figure.  His work shows his hopeless pursuit of an idea.  It is sad beyond measure that Mondrian never quite attained the perfection he was looking for.  He got off on the wrong track by making his lines black - white is a better bet - and by using only the primary colours.  Had he corrected these faults he would have created many more perfect masterpieces like the one below.

Composition in Green and White - not by Mondrian

Katie Price the Cricketer

Katie Price, previously known to all cricketers as Jordan, has created a magazine specially and exclusively about herself. 

No cricket features - so far

Cricketers everywhere will already have rushed to their newsagent to place their order for Katie which promises such articles as "I Will Get Married Again! The REAL truth about the headlines", "What My Tattoos Mean", "How to Cook My Perfect Sunday Roast" and "Things You Might Not Know About Me". 

This all adds up to a fascinating read for a long train journey, or in the pavilion waiting for the rain to stop.

But amongst this wonderful literary richness there is one obvious oversight. Fantasy Bob has spotted an opportunity.

FB has therefore applied for the prestigious post of cricket correspondent to Katie. This seems the one critical post in the editorial team that Katie has yet to fill. FB is sure he is exceptionally well qualified for this important position and will add something to the journal that its other writers lack. 

In anticipation of his appointment he is already preparing his first articles.  He has noticed how the market is ripe for a rigorous investigative piece on how breast enhancement surgery can help the forward defensive stroke.  He thinks the world is crying out for an analysis of Peter Andre’s technique in facing Katie's bouncers.  The time is also right for a review of how by ensuring that their skin is the correct shade of orange they can improve your close fielding.

This is what FB can deliver.  He is confident that Ms Price will see how such unique contributions will add thousands to her projected circulation figures.

6 September 1986

This date seems familiar to Fantasy Bob. 

On this day 25 years ago at Lords Cricket Ground, Lancashire and Sussex played the final of that year's NatWest Trophy - in those days a 60 over competition showing the extent to which inflation has affected teh cricket over in the intervening years.  Scotland had been eliminated in the first round, beaten by 8 wickets by Kent.

Lancashire batted first and made 242.  Dermot Reeve took 4 for 20 including the wicket of Clive Lloyd LBW for 0- part of a 3 wicket burst that took Lancashire from 50 for 0 to 56 for 3.  This was Clive Lloyd's farewell innings at Lords. Top score was Neil Fairbrother with 63.  Sussex won by 7 wickets, hitting the winning run in the 59th over with Imran Khan not out on 50 and Paul Parker top scoring with 85.  Dermot Reeve won the man of the match award (worth £550) and his bowling figures were his best in List A matches.
 
Fantasy Bob saw little of the BBC's presentation of the match and is unable to judge whether Reeve's award was justified.  So there must be something else.

On the day 25 years ago the BBC showed the first episode of Casualty.  It is still running.  This show is reported to have featured more future stars than any other UK soap or drama series - a fact that Fantasy Bob considers well worth knowing.  A First XI from these names includes (not in batting order) Kate Winslet, Orlando Bloom, Minnie Driver, Christopher Eccleston, Parminder Nagra, Sadie Frost, Ray Winstone, David Walliams, Jonny Lee Miller, Helen Baxendale and Robson Green.

Fantasy Bob missed this episode and indeed still hasn't seen any episode of the series at all.  He is unable therefore to confirm whether it has lived up to any promise it might have had.  So there must be something else.

On this day 25 years ago Fantasy Bob and Mrs Fantasy Bob were joined in holy wedlock.  And the rest is history.

Champions (again)!!!

Following their triumph last week in winning the SNCL championship, this weekend go-ahead Edinburgh club Carlton added the Murgitroyd National  T20 to this year's silverware collection.  

Behind the scenes the tension was unbearable - would the club's finance committee approve the essential trebling of the Dura Glit budget in time?  All the stops were pulled out and the committee delivered.  Amid talk of a lucrative sponsorship deal, supplies of the polish will start rolling in on Monday.  By comparison,  things on the field were simple as Carlton ran out convincing winners in both the semi-final against Dumfries CC and the final against Clydesdale CC. 

The finals were held at Poloc CC which is in a leafy part of Little Philadelphia, as Glasgow insists on styling itself following the visit of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie recently.  For some unaccountable reason, Brangelina were not present to witness Carlton's victory.  Their loss.

Fantasy Bob was there to share in his club's Manchester United moments and very pleasing it all was too to bask in the reflected glory.  News of the victory travelled fast along the M8 to Carlton's Edinburgh home and the joy in the capital's streets was unconfined as thousands of people thronged Princes Street in celebration.  They were entertained by a huge fireworks display the Council hastily organised to honour the team's achievement. As the players and supporters arrived back at their Grange Loan HQ, Edinburgh Castle and the sky above it were spectacularly lit up in a manner usually associated with Hogmany or the closing of the Edinburgh Festival.  It was a modest but fitting tribute to the club's triumphant season. 



Edinburgh honours Carlton



Roxy Cricket

Bryan Ferry - yet to take a wicket

Mrs Fantasy Bob left the house in a high state of excitement.  She is bound for an evening in the company of Bryan Ferry whose bowling action she has long admired. 

Fantasy Bob notes that Mr Ferry has for some years qualified for a bus pass, although it is unlikely that he makes much use of it since his favoured mode of transportation seems to be a helicopter.  He also notes that Mr Ferry is reported to have acquired a new lady friend, apparently less than half his age.  He therefore suspects that Mr Ferry may lack energy to make the long lingering and smouldering looks from the stage in Mrs FB's direction - which Mrs FB appeared confident would be a frequent occurence.  Released into the night my his new squeeze, Mr Ferry may well resemble FB himself towards the end of his bowling spell up the hill against the wind, only considerably better dressed and groomed . 

Bryan Ferry is not a cricketer of any reknown, indeed he is unknown to have expressed any views on any cricketing matter.  There is no record of him ever having taken a wicket.  Perhaps it is this weakness that attracts Mrs FB, who has been known to express a little boredom when FB recounts in necessary detail every ball he faced in one of his longer innings.   But it is clear to FB (if no one else) that Mr Ferry's lack of interest in cricket caused him unhappiness at an earlier stage in his career.  Ms Jerry Hall left Mr Ferry to take up with Mick Jagger (or Sir Mick Jagger as he is now known to his friends) because of Mr Ferry's lack of cricket talk.  Jagger is a great fan of the game and Ms Hall was much taken with the manner in which he frequently asked her to offer a view on his slower one. 

But Mr Ferry is a Geordie, born and bred in Co Durham.  Although the county side was still a thing of the future, he would have had plenty opportunity to engage in the game.  It is obvious he practiced combing his hair or some such when the Harmisons and Collingwoods of the county were in the nets.   How he must regret the missed opportunity as his helicopter lands bringing him to the midst of another crowd of screaming women.  'If only', he thinks wistfully.....'if only..........if only I'd gone to cricket practice..............things could have been so different.'